Surprises

And so it would be--- a couple Call-Ins who are sick would throw a wrench in my upcoming evening of endless cocktails and jingle jangling.

Tonight I will be wearing sneakers, jeans, a tee shirt, and a chef's knife. To the heat of the kitchen!

Lobster and steaks. Prawns and garlic butter.

And ohhh the champagne :o)

I make a fast wardrobe change...and the clock strikes midnight.

New Year's Eve Day

Well..after nearly consuming $30 worth of Caribou in 24 hours yesterday I have returned back to Decorah. It was a super fun weekend.

In fear of getting snowed in, I woke up @ 6 AM and got on the road shortly thereafter....Eesh.

I anticipate a very busy New Year's Eve behind the bar...and hopefully a profitable night!

Have A Driver!!! :o)

goodnight---I'm cashing in.

Cleansed!

How can it be summed up? Only one way:

Wonderful!

I needed this break so badly. SO badly. A MONDAY, without work!?!?!?!? COMPLETELY FREE.

It was glorious. Really. I spent it holding a 5 and a half week old baby *(SOOO beautiful), eating (multiple times, and always in great company) shopping, commuting (Which I have this super quirky satisfaction from....City driving...I don't know why, but I LOVE IT!!!!), and catching up.

My "Christmas Vacation" up here in the TC area has reminded me of who's important in my life. Good people. Honest people. Loving people. Joyful people. Connected people. Adventurous people. Brave people. Entertaining people.

It makes me realize how much I miss them, and how incomplete my life in Decorah presently is. These are people that I need in my life. That I love and cheerish and admire.....that I will give much more efffort in communication with. Today, tonight, this mini-adventure-----it's been the perfect timing, the perfect reminder, the perfect cleansing interaction that I have needed and wanted for a very long time.

Safe travels to the bold, beautiful, and beloved.

Oh Sunday---What a day...

Mmmkay. Cut to the chase:

I woke up quite early this morning---Brunch shift @ the 'Yat. LONG day. Where do all these people COME FROM?!?!? And WHY does everyone have to eat between 11:31 and 12:13 ???? WOW.

I lived--it actually wasn't that painful at all. What was and is painful---this ginormous burn that extends the circumference of my right arm from the wrist and lower palm to my elbow. If you could see the blisters.....mmm photo booth tomorrow. Note to Self. The color is...a site.

I feel hot. I'm going with a 2nd degree burn. The Minimalist Story approach:

Soak sink. Suds on top. The drain 18 inches below the surface. 1 sterile glove and ninja reflexes that weren't nearly ninja-y enough....

the wise cook would have grabbed an empty 1/2 gallon container and simply removed hot water until the drain could be reached with tongs, perhaps even running cold water when there was only 5 or 6 inches of water left.

Obviously my brain was clipping along at a bit faster pace than my common sense.
I was tailed by a psycho-path from Zumbrota to I-494. I got to Jordan and Jeanette's house. A brief Christmas was had (minus Jeanette who was @ work) in which a bottle of gin and some books were passed from one set of hands to another. A short trip to Houlihan's ensued followed by catching up, NFL follies, and cook talk.

Cook talk with Jordan is great. Our restaurant of the future will be a Ring-A-Ding-Dinger...promise.

Home Alone

Home alone with Gracie tonight... excellent.

Movies, books, couch...blankets..dog on my lap...

a Breakfast/Brunch shift early in the AM and a Road Trip to the center of the universe.....Minneapolis.

So quiet. So nice.

Miracles

I love Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

I think there are some flaws with the show, but I think it's important to see the side of America that the show portrays. Sides, actually.

The side that literally lives day to day "right down the street." The side that scrapes by, works late [everyday], shops @ the Thrift store and local food pantry because it's cheaper--and there are 10 mouths to feed, mortgage and bills to be paid each month... The side of America we feel uncomfortable watching and reading about on t.v. The side, that while we may acknowledge exists, we seldom take the time, action or thought to engage and interact with. The side we prefer to keep at a distant gaze rather than arm's reach.

And then there's another side of America that we can watch in each episode. The side of America that remembers. The side that is willing to be stupid and goofy on camera in effort to bring a smile and a laugh to a face that's forgotten how to. The side of America that refuses to settle into the comfy spectator's cushion of the upper middle class. The side that acknowledges circumstance, and is slow to judgment. A side of America that values families, community, education, safety, faith, and opportunity, and Living Alive [as opposed to "just living"]. The side that chooses to give themselves when they have no money, no resources, no materials to donate or offer up instead. The side of America, that consciously chooses to make one person's Miracle--a living, breathing, connected reality.

Volunteering. 2009 New Year's Resolution.

What side of America do you want to be on?

December 25th

Ahhh! So nice :o)

Few things top traditional Felde/Steele Family Fondu on Christmas Eve, opening presents to Classic Holiday tunes on Minnesota Public Radio 89.5 F.M, and a joint Christmas Day Feast @ the Bril's house....

SO FULL. So content. A movie and a nap here and there...a book [one of many!] and a blanket...

a dog on my lap :o) Merry Christmas.

Best part-----> more Christmas to come this weekend...aiiiyyye!

Imagining

It's Christmas-time (almost). Sometimes, I think the season of Advent and the hype/anticipation of Christmas often leaves us rather blinded to the Present. To reality. This time of year can almost be overly mushy gushy luvy duvy, rah-rah-ooo-and-ahh. The softly falling snow, cut-out-cookies, candy cane espresso, and Double Chocolate Mocha specials @ coffee shops, big wreathes complete with red bows hung on front doors, twinkling lights lining eaves and evergreens, bustling towns and cities, and those holiday shopping lists getting checked off while Christmas tunes pour out of radio stations are a mere pin prick to all that is truly this Holiday Season.

Trying to choose my words carefully in this post...
Lately, I've been a bit turned off by all of the "Extra Christmassy" hooplah. And while I've been looking forward to Christmas and the spiritual affirmation it brings me each year, I have been approaching the 25th with some unrest. I've struggled to free myself of this internal affliction and "immerse myself in the Christmas Spirit" because my mind knows that just 20 some miles down the road there's a small town [that is now even SMALLER] which is still reeling from what various media sources and officials boasted as “the largest single-site [raid] operation of its kind in American history.” It frusterates me that people have forgotten about the events back in May....and even more-so that people use the Christmas Season as an excuse...as a reason....a shield...to put on a Happy Face, smile really wide and ignore and justify a detachment from the Truth and Reality of NoW. (Typically, I think this behavior is because there is an exhausting, uncomfortable price one pays to truly "Live in the Now [of Postville]" )

Frankly, it sucks. It mentally, emotionally, and physically sucks for most people to think about those truths on a daily basis. Perhaps to the point where it pisses them off so much that they just choose to ignore what little news there is on the TV and radio.....because it's TIring to continually hear and read about Bad Things....Besides, too occupied with that Ho-Ho-Ho list, and getting the lights out on the roof and the driveway cleared. Ironically, it seems, the vitality of Jesus' prophetic humanity is surprisingly forgotten about.

*I'm struggling whether to use past or present tense* They were and many still are illegal immigrants (currently serving jail time somewhere in Texas/New York/Southern California/wherever there's room). They are people. They were peaceful. They are humans. About 75% of Agriprocessors’ 968 employees in May 2008 were illegal immigrants. There were 697 arrest warrants, but when 900+ U.S. Agents engulffed the town and surrounding areas, late-shift workers had not arrived to the plant, so “only” 390 were arrested: 314 men and 76 women; 290 Guatemalans, 93 Mexicans, four Ukrainians and 3 three Israelis who were never seen in court. Some were released on humanitarian grounds: 56 mostly mothers with unattended children, a few with medical reasons, and 12 juveniles were temporarily released with ankle monitors or directly turned over for deportation. 306 were held for prosecution. Only five of the 390 originally arrested had any kind of prior criminal record. There remained 307 outstanding warrants.

Over the course of this summer and fall, the Truth, the details and legalities of the event have been painted a wonderful muck of smeared fine print and dead-end-inquiries, in large part because little Press was allowed access to the Fast Track induced hearings, Sentencings, and Jailings of these people. Many were guilty of Illegal Immigration, and by law, rightfully faced deportation....the majority were Innocent of the Identity Theft charges they were coerced into pleading/signing Guilty toward.

*I suppose, if I had 2 children who were left completely unattended to, a wife and virtually all of my known friends were no-where to be found--shipped off to county jails, holding facilities, and security stations across the state, and a starving family of 8-9 relatives living in extreme poverty, malnurished and in daily fear of militant gun squads and firing lines terrorizing the hillsides of my [Guatemalen] homeland....I suppose under those circumstances I might also be trembling in absolute fear standing shackled hands, waist, and feet to 9 other people in front of a magistrate, and 2 attorneys who don't speak my language, but try to write/scribble phrases to me on a notepad via a bilingual translator (even though I can't read or write).

In this Chrsitmas season, I've been imagining and remembering. Remembering what it was like to be 12. To play baseball in the park down the street with my neighbors in the summer...and to play soccer on Saturday mornings through the Park and Recreation Program. I've been going through old family photo albums looking at all of the years of tradition and memories we've created and documented. I've been Imgaining what it must be like to watch 900 people pour out the doors from busses wearing dark sunglasses, navy coats, kevlar, and weilding hand guns, blocking off all roads, and simply swarming my town. The world seemed so big when i was 12. I've been imagining what I'd do, if I were 12 again, and did not speak the language of the country I was in, was separated from my parents and put on a plane in chains and sent to a different country (where I actually had no living family left....) I've been imagining what kind of traumatic spiritual questions must be in the hearts and minds of the victims of the Postville raids. And sadly, I know what kind of traumatic spiritual questions are in the hearts and minds of the victims of the Postville raids. Because I'm one of them. We all are victims.

That type of governing. That type of leadership...manipulative, deceptive political behavior makes everyone of us victims. It forces us into the slaughterhouse and makes us look like a bunch of uninformed zombie sheep who don't really care about citizenship, or human rights. I've been imagining families reuniting, safe plane flights, and opportunities for people to be together---just like my family is now. I've been remembering the redeeming power and justice of the REAL Christmas, the NoW of Christmas...and hoping the greater world intrinsically connected to Postville families do too.

I have to go wrap Brandon's present.

Christmas Came Early

Unable to get home after a looong 14 hour Saturday of work.... sucks.
7:00 alarm to go put in another 6.5 hr. shift in the kitchen....See Also Insomnia.

3:00 P.M. HOME--glorious.
3:02 P.M. Steaming Hot Shower----Surreal.
3:24 P.M. -----8 minute power nap.

3:35 P.M. 2nd Wind.
3:43 Kate/Relatives arrive---- JOY.

early dinner [ham balls, garlic mashed potatos, carmelized honey walnut carrotts], present opening, [COOKBOOKS HOORAAAAY!], cocktails and vino @ the 'Yat ..... family board games.

high light of my day. :o)

Warming Up: YUM

So that last post was depressing. Real, but depressing. I'm still bitter just seeing the title...regardless--my blog is itching for some warm thoughts and balance. Call it "a remedy" to the recent cruelties of the physical world (the thermometer currently reads 33F with an -8 windchill...do the math). BURR.

So tonight:

A table setting for 4. Yay! Family meal

--Zitti & Mini Meatballs from scratch with homemade tomato sauce, shallots, oregano and basil
--Oven Roasted whole heads of garlic and sliced baguette
--Spring Greens (haha...as if they'll really make the cold weather warmer) with yellow pear tomatoes, and a lemon-cilantro vinaigrette


...time to get meatball-making. Ciao!

Lost and Found

So I'm not really a fan of cats....I've had a cat. He was a Christmas gift when I was 6....dad brought him home from work one night, (a residence-hall-confiscation-kitty!)... I named him Happy. He was an all black kitty, with green eyes and a little white patch on his tummy. He was a good cat in his youth--very playful...loved balls of tinfoil, string, and the 'Nip. But he was rather owly in his later years--not nearly as affectionate. Maybe I was too rough on him while he was a young kitty. Well...maybe my sister, brother, and I were too rough on him while he was a young kitty. Maybe it was the addition of a new four-legged pet with a tail when he was 13.....her name was Gracie. But I highly doubt it was the dog that made Happy ditch his namesake...she loved him even when she was a tumbling, curious, chewing, pointy eared ball of CUTENESS. When Gracie came to the house, we put them in the same room together and blocked all exits....I remember it so well:

Happy scowled for awhile in the corner as if he were annoyed and pouting. Gracie eventually left the human attention and went over to check him out. He sat next to the wall, staunch and not in the slightest intimidated by the pink collared push-over of a puppy ambling toward him. She trotted right up to him, sniffing the air as she approached. He rose to all fours, towering over her a good 3 inches, and flicking his tail slowly from side to side. Gracie moved toward his tail, and with one swift right paw--he swatted her little nose and she went rolling. And then she knew--it was his house :o) (Not that she would care in 2 and a half years when she was bigger than him)

Anyways. All that to say I am a pet lover, and have owned a cat and a dog, and a fair share of fish that I'd won at various county fairs from tossing ping pong balls into floating jars 8 feet away. I, however, am not a big fan of felines.

But today, while I was at work---on perhaps the coldest day of this winter (with freezing rain, a chilling wind, and a predicted 4-7" of snow/freezing precipitation in the next 48 hours) I found a box under the shelter of an eave. It was 3 P.M. and now I feel terrible that I didn't notice it when I'd arrived in the morning. Inside was a shivering orange cat, a can of food, and some newspaper....it was uncollared and skittish. I was mad. I'm still mad. Who does that?!?!? IT IS FREEZING OUTSIDE!!!! I called the police. An officer came to try and bring it to the station, they'd found a temporary holding location to take it to. Sadly, the cat was too frightened---I'm assuming by the thoughtless act of abandonment, the owner was perhaps abusive and inattentive to make the cat that fearful of human contact---and scampered beneath an ice cooler.

I'll be surprised if the cat is there in the morning...I hope it's left in search of food and a warmer place...like the Subway down the street...or a heating vent behind the Hair salon. Sad....my blankets don't feel as warm as they normally do.....

Jingle Jingle Jingle... :o)

It occurred to me tonight, while I was making a Candy Cane Martini, that I am pretty dam good at what I do. And even though I confidently blurt out answers when I'm asked "where" and "how" I learned to bartend, I have to wonder myself sometimes...."how the heck do I do this?"

Then I remember the stack of magazines in my room of Gourmet, Bon Apetit, and Wine Spectator, and the 3 different folders of Bookmarks on my Firefox browser that are chalk full of cocktail recipes, and links to websites, forums, etc. ranging from estate vineyards, to brewing, and successfull Google Search hits.

And then remember the notebooks I have tested myself with, reciting and writing recipes from memory until they literally are "memorized"....proportions, ingredients, and mixing steps, as well as glasses, garnishes etc...

Oiy. I will say this: I like it when my pockets jingle and my wallet bulges... :o) Which is why I'll love this weekend.

Do I miss Christmas At Luther?? Umm....not a whole lot actually. I've seen/been in this big production for the past 10 years of my life....annnnnnd it's streak that would have been neat to maintain, but I need a break. I'll watch the edited and recorded version 3 or 4 times in a few weeks.... PBS Dec. 22 9 P.M. C.S.T. Check it out.

Oh...and how could I forget:

Introducing the one and only: Norman.

News and such and Nothing's In Particularzez

I have a new mouse. It's name is Norman. It is fast, clean, and sleek. Norman cost me $70, but it was money well spent. He travels well, stays warm in my coat pockets, and is extremely hassle-free!!! I like my things to have names. I think Norman is quite attractive....

I know: It's weird. "Sue me."

Christmas @ Luther week----> means lots of out of towners, lots of old friends returning, lots of drinks to be mixed and tips to be made. Sounds like my kinda weekend! Which, remember, starts on Wednesday and ends on Sunday in my world. :o)

....Norman is waiting for me. Pictures to come shortly!

Thanksgiving UGH.

11-27-08 11:38 P.M.
I can think of few things more frustrating than coming down with the flu on Thanksgiving at your relatives' house. Never experienced it? Let me tell you, It SUCKS. Everyone else gets to eat, drink, and spend family time together while you are quarantined to the far corners of the house...attic or basement you choose.

Bleeehhhh....Back to my air mattress, pile of pillows, blankets, and unfortunately the most nauseating feeling from head to toe that I've experienced in 10 years.

Okay wait, 1 quick thought:
I think it's true, and a little bit discomforting, "You don't know what you have until it's gone." [At this moment good health comes to my mind]
Livable wages.
A HOUSE.
$20 to fill up a tank of gas in your car.
Shoot you have a car?!
Shoot you can Drive a car?!?! You don't walk to work? Wait a minute?!
You don't carry water for miles back to your house? What's a faucet?! Wait, your water is clean?


I do think people are "thankful" on this day. I just wonder "what?" it is that they--we--are thankful for. The truth is, a portion of the world population, much larger than any of us would truly want to ever precisely know, didn't have the means/ability to travel and be with family today/this weekend. Or spend an absurd amount of money on so much food [and ridiculous material goods on Black Friday like millions of people will in about....5-6 hours] that they have leftovers for the next 3 days...which is often wasted/thrown away.

Today, even though I spent the majority of my afternoon/evening/night in complete discomfort, I'm thankful that all of my preparations and cooking was enjoyed by the rest of my family and relatives. Hooray. Everything turned out just right. So, many thanks for great food. I'm thankful for my jobs, my travels, my families, for music. For knowledge. Books. For ambition. For liberation and those who work towards equity and opportunity to the marginalized, who pick up the slack for all of us who falter in activism. Especially Thankful for those workers...
For laughter. Journals. Over sized fuzzy blankets. And drugs that make sick people feel better. For silence and peace.

I am thankful for Ava Sun-Hee Howell, who was born at 11:03 P.M. on 11-23-08!!!!!!! I hear November 23rd is a good birthday date in the calendar year. Shameless picture borrowing....she's beautiful.

I live a cushy life, with lots of love and support....
For Jeremy. Mrs. Wilson. Drew. Lindsey. Tricia. Caitlin. KAMP. Choson. Obama. Jordan and Jeanette. And Gracie. :o)
Happy Thanksgiving....

Twin Cities Terrorist, Catostrophic Golden Gopher Massacre, Ooot N ABooot

So I went to the Twin Cities this past weekend to watch the Hawkeye-Gopher football game. The last Gopher game in the Metrodome.

What I witnessed, was tragic. Sad. Embarassing...and I loved every second of the 55-0 drumming the Hawkeyes put on the Gophers. HERE's to YOUm, y many Minnesotan friends who constantly give me the razz-matazz for being from Iowa and thus apparently not as cool or as "good" of a human as they are. Congratualtions on your 4 game losing streak to close out your season Gophers... College football. Who cares about it. Me.

Meanwhile. The Hawks are looking forward to a warm weather bowl game... Do I enjoy savoring this horrifically beautiful loss for the Gophers? Do I enjoy recalling the streams of maroon and gold clad Gopher fans heading forlornly to the aisles and exits midway through the 3rd quarter? Yes. Yes I do.

Not enjoyable:
Entering the Metrodome last night, I was standing in line with what felt like a million other fans, the majority being Hawkeye Faithfuls, and the 5 other guys I went to the game with. "For some reason unknown to me," the 5 of them managed to walk right through the security and ticket takers no fuss. I on the other hand was forced to empty all of my coat and jean pockets, the entire contents of my wallet, and got patted down head to toe. Apparently I fit the profile of a suspicious/dangerous individual. I kid you not, that really happened. Racial Profiling? It's really hard to say for certain. At any rate, it was uncomfortable and made me LATE to the opening kickoff. AND THAT made me MAD.

Summation of Weekend:
--Awesome time in downtown Minny with 1000s of Happy Hawkeye fans amidst a sea of embarrased Gopher followers, altogether drinking away the awful/glorious memories of the game earlier in the night.
www.the508mpls.com
www.solera-restaurant.com
--A temporary fulfillment and subsiding in the hunger pangs for Korean food the past 2 months
http://mirrorofkorea.com/
--A Menu squared away for Thanksgiving--HOORAY!
--A peek into TC Real-Estate...eesh.
http://www.skyscapecondos.com/

Dreaming Dangerously?

I question whether I dream too much. [if the frequency with which I dream is bad] And I find myself in somewhat of a conundrum, division of reason from rational. I often wonder if I am a Greedy Dreamer. Or if I'm just greedy in general. Thoughts in this blog, stemming from a multitude of points:
-from the Economics of the Present day
-The possible Economics of the Future
-the truths of Capitalism in the Free World (and perhaps more importantly the secrets as well)
-reflections on living in a Third World Country...

A dream that's really strangling me lately:

Someday I would love to have 2...3...restaurants. Jeeze. haha--laughing at myself..."enough said, The rest of this post is null and pointless...I'm greedy." Or 1 would be fine. I'd love it for the challenges of owning and maintaining my businesses, for the pleasure of making food for people...I'd love it for "all the right reasons" [passion for cuisine, service to others, sharing of self, and the educational opportunities I could provide people while dining in my restaurants]. Educational opportunities like buying and eating locally, sustainably....eating healthy and balanced meals... I would love it for the insatiably daunting hours and unspeakable labor required. TRULY. I WOULD. I DO ALReady. I think I could cook for 48 hours and not even blink. I bet I could cook for 3 days and not even blink... i mean...I don't sleep as it already is, so sleep deprivation wouldn't be an issue. And dammit I want to be SUCCESSFUL. As in "WOAH. Wow. Nationally renowned."

Why stop there Jackson. Who am I kidding, I would love it for the cushy amenities that come with the territory....the wine vineyard estate land that I have partial ownership of in Napa, not to mention the envious real estate in Tuscany that I afford and the house that I bought and restored on it... The trips that I take for both business and pleasure...the privileged destinations and eateries I add to my tally-list.....[this is where most of my dreams typically turn]

BUT: I see danger in pursuing such a dream. The danger of losing site of the marginalized...the danger in becoming part of the problem rather than a solution....the danger in becoming "yet another beneficiary of fame & fortune" and being so consumed in the career that got me there that I lose track of the REST that is me. *Because dear god, I hope Hope hope HOPE freakin' HOPE, that I am more than "a Chef...a Restaurateur....a business owner." I Hope that " I " am more than a Tuscan Villa. More than VIP status at French Laundry in Yountville, Napa, CA. http://www.frenchlaundry.com/
I hope that the " ME of the future" includes a drive for Activism toward justice, education, music, community, FAMILY, and WORLD. In environmental responsibility. In equal opportunity. In livable wages. In the basic necessities of LIFE.

*Inhale.

And so, I try to convince myself that I'd do something radical years down the road. Something fullfilling. Something that rids me of the guilt for the years of narrow-scoped, self-centered lifestyle it would seem I'd have led. My dream includes retirement to a third world country..maybe Namibia...maybe a different African nation...or South American or Latin American...where I would simply take the "Big Business USA Money that I'd earned/invested/obtained".....and start pumping it into their societies....building roads. and schools. hospitals. things that we take for granted....paying teachers...buying BOOKS and Educational Materials.....SHOES....Pencils....NOTEBOOKS/paper.....

It's a great dream...but a dream that scares the hell out of me. For all the right and wrong reasons. To pursue or Not to Pursue...that is the question.

RANT!

When did it EVER become appropriate and acceptable to begin playing Christmas Commercials BEFORE Halloween!?!?! While I'm sure some retailers and advertisers would prefer to slip past my friction by calling them "Holiday Commercials"-- there's NO freakin' way Bing Crosby's "12 Days of Christmas" is Not a Christmas Ad; IT IS!

www.nytimes.com/2008/09/24/business/media/24adco.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss -

Stuart Elliot highlights the undertones of my deprecation in this article. The over-all acceptance of Early Christmas Advertising, whether it's print, online, or audio media, is telling of the Nation that is "US " [of A]....always out to make MORE money. Not just to "make money"...it's to make "MORE Money". There's a difference.

And conveniently, the marketing branches of retailers around have brain-washed us all into thinking we're saving money by ordering Christmas garb and gifts early. Honestly. I think we have finally come to a point in the evolution of the human brain where we are either Unable to read-between-the-lines and past the enticingly vague, literary advertising catch phrases like "Special" "limited" "SUPER" etc. or we're just too tripped out on caffeine, fast food, and stupid to realize how numb we are.

When I come across ads I think, "why...what makes it special?" "Just HOW limited is this product?" Because my instinct tells me, somewhere in Pennsylvania or Ohio there's a gigantic-ass warehouse with palates stacked 200 feet high and 300 yards long full of X, Y, and Z. But I guess with just over 3 million psycho-brain-washed-consumers in the country even that one warehouse isn't enough to keep us all happy. Good thing there's about 5 more in New York, and a dozen in California.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE CHRISTMAS. But early ads are like getting a vaccination where the nurse hits the bone. *believe me it's sick...I watched a guy turn 4 shades of green and purple simultaneously in 7th grade. Worst stomach ache of my life, and I only witnessed it. [Probably the worst Hepatitis A shot of his life too] Black Friday makes me feel the same way. I mean we are a country that practically has a National-Go-Spend-Money-Like-There's-No-Tomorrow-And-Feel-Free-To-Swear-Cuss-Trample-Speed-Steal-And-Endanger-Anything-In-Your-Way-Day. Haha...if there were ever a National Holiday with that many hyphens I would sure as hell take part.

Conclusion: I don't want to hear about "White Christmases" without snow falling...or wreaths with big red bows on front doors and icicle lights hanging from the eaves. And I DON'T want to hear Mariah Carey telling me all she wants for Christmas is me, when I'm still 3 weeks away from enjoying my annual-food-coma (turkey and stuffing induced...okay and pumpkin pie).

Waiting for Baby(ies

I have no concrete ground/first-hand-experience to base the following presumptions on:

Waiting to have a baby must suck!? It has got to be like waiting to get out of the hospital (I suppose in theory it may literally be just that)...bad analogy.

It has got be like the internal turmoil of a 9 year old adolescent during the month of December....at that age, with that much Christmas music constantly bombarding your senses day in and day out (*there is a post soon coming about Christmas music/commercials), the Advent calendar has been ransacked of chocolates beneath the numbers 14-24 by the 12th of the month, and all presents have been shaken, lifted, and anaylzed at least 5 times a day.

Side note: unless your childhood was like mine, where presents weren't put under the tree until like 2 days before Christmas---what a jip!!

Back to babies. I'm not going to elaborate on what it is/takes to undergo 9 months of a person growing inside of you, let alone the process of getting that person out of you.... but I have a friend who's having a baby--Soonish. Very soonish. Days. Hours. And I constantly catch myself, double checking for text/picture messages on my cell phone---and my battery has never been below 2 bars for the past 2 weeks.

*Baby talk makes people weird...and I have noooooo desire to have any of my own at this time---but dammit I bet this baby is going to be beautiful. I want pictures. Now. And I'm tired of waiting. Today, I am THAT 9 Year Old.

Dear-ish Part 2.

HAHAHA... (in my groggy state from the previous post I failed---maybe intentionally--to include details)

...and as we departed our separate ways, she to my boss' car and I to my father's rickety-multiple-accident-survivor-of-a-Ford-pick-up-truck on a side street, she threw out a "It was nice to meet you, Jackson." *Dude. How rude of me?!

I coyly, peeked my face back around the corner of the building and returned sentiment with a smile and "Pleasure was mine.." *You're a moron Jackson.

[walking toward me]
"I feel like I should kiss you, since you've never kissed an Asian..."
[to my boss]
"Yeah, he's never kissed an Asian.."

And what on earth could I do and say in the moment, but submarine myself with that ridiculous scrambling-smile and an, "I don't know...I think you'll have to work a little harder than that to earn my first Asian kiss..." *As previously mentioned, You're a moron Jackson.

It was at that moment that I came out of the coherent-communication-clouding dream world I had been floating through the past 2 hours.... and stage whispered aloud, "You're an idiot Jackson!?" Yes it's true. I effin' talk to myself in tense moments...Thank god she wasn't in earshot.

So I desperately tagged on, "But I'll be in the Cities the 22nd and 23rd..." And in truth I would/will be...

And as she and my boss opened the doors to their ride of departure, she began to play hard to get, retreating with a forced, "Ohh?! No, you had your chance mister.. " :o)


*OKAY. so the combination of these two posts likely don't depict the entire story.

Like the fact that I picked up her tab, or that earlier in the night my boss had brought up the subject of Asian babies, and that she wants one, and that Miss-3L-Hamline and myself should work on that....[though we unanimously agreed that Asian babies are by far the most-adorable/cutest/most-attractive babies of all ethnicities] Or that my boss had also said, "So see, she can be the main provider while you are at culinary school, and her law career is taking off, and then you two can...[insert conversation about Asian babies and the two of us having them]..."

I don't necessarily believe in kissing on first dates, nor am I opposed to it, [and in this instance] nor do I necessarily believe in kissing on first introductions....nor am I opposed to it.

Let's face the facts: *You're a moron Jackson. A funny one. A nice one. A likeable moron. And you need some practice at getting phone numbers...but you're not a complete loss. Just a little whimsy. And you do have nice hair, and great hygiene and smell-superb even when you work out.

C'est la vie, Miss-3L-Hamline...c'est la vie...

...oh dear...

Okay... it's 2 something A.M. and I'm getting up to work in about....5 hours....

But I am a ridiculous mess of Sleepless in Decorah. Work tonight was utterly dreamy....

Who met/totally connected with another A-K (who grew up in a similar small town of Upper Midwest SE-MN) that is a 3rd year Law Student @ Hamline, who knows his boss(es), while he's bartending tonight>>>? This guy. Who was crazy-obviously-smiling-too-wide-too-often over himself and checking his hair and giving extra attention >>>? This guy. Who made the best cocktails he's ever made tonight>>> This GUY.

Wow. So lame. I'm laughing at myself....really. But it's nice.

Renewal of a World. Of a Country. Of a People. Of a Life.

At 10:00 PM C.S.T. on November 4th, 2008, The United States of America elected Senator Barack Obama as its new President Elect for the 2009-20012 Term.

Up to this point in my life, I have had a handful of exemplary people--role models, teachers, instructors, leaders (not necessarily adults either)--whose actions and words have given me vision and guidance toward resolutions to various difficulties and struggles I have engaged. I have silently harbored, endured and long wrestled with enormous questions, mystery, and a complex desire within myself--mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically--to identify; and to belong. To a place. To a community. To a label (because this is the current world which I live in....a world that is sold, comprised-of, persuaded-by, and educated from labels and categorizations). *Point in case: this blog has a function called "Labels for this post" ... Dramatically Ironic.

Tonight...amidst perhaps one of the most important speeches I've ever heard, I have found some relief to my internal turmoil through President Elect Barack Obama's words, in his campaign mantra, in his character... Relief in the witnessing of the way in which he stood with his wife and how he lifted and kissed his daughter... Relief in how he embraced his closest family and friends...and most importantly in the tone of his voice, the expression on his face, and how he addressed and spoke to my own heart (not to mention every listening ear in the world via tv's, computer broadcasts, and radios).

For a long long time....more than I care to disclose in detail, I have not wanted to be here. To be associated. To be labled under the titles and headings which I often have little choice in toting behind my name, my character, my identity. For a long time I have struggled with the label as an "American." It has haunted, confused, angered, saddened and befuddled me in contrast to the other label I bear as a "Korean" or more specifically a "Korean Adoptee."

But tonight I believe. I believe and feel like I have purpose, and value, and impact here...in Iowa...the Midwest...America....as an Iowan. As a Midwesterner. And as an American. A Korean American. An American Korean. A Korean Adopted American. Tonight I've regained what I've always hoped and sometimes thought I have understood about myself. Tonight I have found renewal in my capability to believe in a possibility, to believe in an ideology, in theology, in human-self-determination and independence, in the impact one voice can make, in the ability of the human spirit to unify...in the potential for the dreams which I write nightly in my private journal to come true....

Tonight I feel empowered, inspired, and encouraged in my Belief in Change and my Hope for the people of the world, of my countries, of my American Government, and of my own ambitions, dreams, and life goals...and I am soo ready to be part of the reason those things find success.

Dark Seekers and Light Seekers

Lately, I haven't been sleeping well. I have been having some absurd dreams! Just bizarre dreams. I have been sleeping, just not sleeping "well." And not "Normal" either. I'm waking up at random hours of the night and then being held captive by my own thoughts. So I guess "falling asleep" has been somewhat of a task also.

I recently had a conversation with my mom about what she refers to as my "sleeping habits" or "sleeping practices." It was a weird conversation in general, as the two of us haven't been speaking a whole lot on a regular basis, and then all of a sudden we were talking about the concepts of sleep. I realize, that sounds kinda like a nose-dive-depressing-Mother-Son-relationship with an ever-growing chasm, but I think our lack of communication has been mostly due to the fact that her work days and my work days simply do not align--and with the combination of my dad having been out of the country the past month and my mom returning to work the past few weeks, I think her mind has simply been preoccupied. Regardless, the conversation with my mom has brought me to see something that I've never really accepted about myself until now:

I have ALWAYS had a hard time sleeping. ALWAYS. My mom told me that when I was a baby, like a "baby baby"--- she would sit up late at night while I threw tantrums in my crib. And when I grew to the point where I was smart enough to get out of my crib, she would sit on the floor holding the door shut while I beat on it from the other side screaming and crying. [eventually I would wear myself out from all of my kicking and yelling, fall asleep obstructing the door's ability to open freely, and then my mom would slowly open the door and nudge my body with it until she could enter the doorway and put me back in my crib.

In Elementary school I did a lot of sleep talking and walking at night. I had a huge fear of the dark---and in some respects I suppose I've never really shaken that fear of the dark either. I slept with a night light until I was 13, and my glow in the dark ceiling stars were always on, as well as the hallway light directly outside my door. In Middle School, I figured out that the radio or music/cd's playing helped me get to sleep at night. Top 40 Radio...Jewel's "Foolish Games"...Savage Garden, N'Sync etc. Wow.

In high school and college, my sleep patterns evolved to where I would either pop in a DVD or fall asleep with the T.V. on in the background. I love that noise of the screen when the TVs on, but the main volume is virtually inaudible. My frustrations with falling asleep lie in the fact that night time generally offers the most "continual silence" of my days---which is ironically what my brain needs to operate and think the best; i.e. homework, leisure reading, working, etc. So as I try to reason this out cold-turkey: When my body should and wants to fall asleep, my brain is telling my body I've just reached prime Thinking Capability and that I should be productive and do things while I'm still "on fire." Thus in high school, I would go to bed at like 11---but would lay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning; eventually using that time to do homework, read, journal, doodle, and I may or may not admit to having re-arranged my furniture/room twice in one night.

I've also come to dislike sleeping under the covers after a past soccer accident. My mom and I talked about "where" I fall asleep---which is often on the couch with a blanket rather than "in my bed."

Also, I can fall asleep in the most odd positions...like in arm chairs with my legs over the back and my head half on an arm-rest. Or wedged in a corner....

I suppose I'm going to close this blog for now, blaming and pointing my finger at Silence as the culprit to my sleeping woes. I half-heartedly laugh remembering that I've always had a difficulty with sleep, and think to myself, "Don't worry, you've always been a bit odd, and confused."

So if you have sleep remedies, by all means send them my way. **Though I've already counted thousands of sheep, goats, and fish...Work can be a killer---I think I deserve a vacation. Where would I vacation?! I think that's for an up-coming blog. For now, I'll keep seeking the Dark with a Light on.

To The Travelers

Oh Adventurous One,
What sights hast thou eyes laiden? What rivers hast thou traversed? What mountains hast thou engaged and surveyed, from atop, the splendor of all that surrounds you?

Oh Adventurous One,
What trees hast thou swung from? What skies hast thou rested under, what rains hast thou run through? What rocks hast thou danced upon in the waning hours of day?

Oh Adventurous One,
The earth gently gives way to the path you walk. Even the grass, bending in the breeze, lays down quietly beneath your feet.

Do take your time while away...you aren't missing anything that can't wait for another day..

Giving Another Go At It

"I cannot believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate. It is, above all to matter, to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all." --Leo Rosten

The Purpose of Life. My Life. Responsible. Compassionate. Standing for Something. Mattering to someone, to something, for some reason or another....I think that's a good place to start.