Limbo

Every year, the agonizing 5-6 days between Christmas and the New Year create a gigantic black hole....and I find myself in a state of Limbo. Maybe it's all of the over-eating and lounging/lack of motivation from the first 3 weeks of December...or the abundance of wine and spirits...the bills and expenses of Christmas spending becoming a reality....or perhaps a combination of it all.

At any rate. That mess which I described, well it's here. I'm stuffed and have enjoyed the past few days of leisure and gluttony in both mind and body. Lots of netflix. I never created a "wish list" for Christmas this year, but am pleased with the gifts I was given. This year all I wanted was some peace and quiet, a nice church service, and some good food. Consider it a Home run on all criteria.

I've been looking back on 2010. Evaluating and processing a year takes a lot out of me; well duh, a lot of experiences to run through the mill. 2011 New Year's Resolutions are in formulation, and a bridging 2010 wrap-up post is on the way.

Red

Upon re-read, that was cheesy.

Maybe I'm already in the "Cheesy shmultzy Holiday Spirit." meh.

More snow. More snow. More snow....how do I make it stop???

red eye

My sleepless nights continue......and my bizarre dreams are too. Some are now re-occurring. I can't get my mind to shut off.....it is running on overdrive. I think that sooner or later it's going to "explode" / "break down"----> hoping IF that's the case, it is in a manageable time and location...


too much on my mind. decompression needed....

Halloween

Freakin' dislike button.

So glad it's done.... there are so many reasons for NOT liking the Halloween Holiday.

Sounding bitter? Only a hint eh?

Harnessing My Adventurous Curiosity....A Make-Over!?!?!

I'm not really happy with my body. For a variety of reasons. This sounds like a red-flag post, I know, but I guess in my mind it's a bit more 'matter of fact' rather than lamenting and melancholy. 2 years is an embarrassing amount of time to admit that I have lost interest and commitment to maintaining physical fitness and prioritizing my physical health.

I've been thinking for a fair amount of time now about "testing" some changes. I can acknowledge that there's a part of me that is bored. And frustrated. In the past few years, I have become more and more mentally cognizant of my physical/outward appearance and the social responses I observe/feel when I'm out in public (whether it's work or leisure related). I've been considering a make-over. A physical, visual make-over. An exploratory image adjustment.

I want a new look. Something different. Something edgy. Maybe even punk-rock-ish.... not necessarily "emo" or "Hipster..." (i can't stand that categorizing descriptor....I don't think it makes any sense at ALL). I'm thinking about getting my ears pierced. And maybe a tatoo... and possibly coloring my hair......or streaking it. I've been thinking purple or reddish brown.....or maybe even a bright freakin' neon-bluish. I'm no expert in hair dying, but I know enough about the process to understand that it would be hard to say what any of that will look like with my black hair. Speaking of hair. I need a hair cut--or Do I? I'm tired of the same old cut. And the same minimal ways to "style" my hair...or things to do with it. Maybe I should just keep growing it out and give myself more options. But my hair is coarse and straight....and. sigh.

Maybe I'll get my eyebrow pierced. I can't and won't get my lip or tongue or nose pierced or anything crazy weird.... but I'm half intrigued by a spike in my ear, or some studs.

I've always been clean cut, polite, intelligent and "well dressed." And I feel like that's the only way people "can" see me now. They've seen me this way so long, that they can't envision me any other way. They think button down's and polo's and doc martens and nice jeans and khakis.....or even beyond that with sweater vests and ties, cardigans and my insanely large jacket/coat obsession.

I want the "young" me. The kid who got dirty and scraped his knees and wore ripped jeans with gashes in the knees, cotton tee shirts and flannel (dear god I just said that). I just want something a bit more down to earth. How do I say this?! Something not so "high brow" and "preppy" and "upper middle class monetarily priced."

I think this image I've been constructing of myself is having a negative effect on my relationship status. I'm not so sure it's as attractive as I've come to think it is. All the hair fuss and nice clothes. The shoes. The coats. The two dozen bold dress shirts and 30 some ties I have hanging in my closets...( I have clothes in 4 different closets....gross). It's all overkill--- It kinda all feels like a "mask." Like a fake me.... oh boy. Maybe women won't find me any more attractive with pierced ears, colored hair, and a noticably toned physique. But at bare minimum, it'll draw some attention ....
for better or for worse?.... hmm........

*SIDE NOTE* I'm perfectly okay being single, because this no strings attached life-style can be fun and carefree....but let's be real. Deep down I'm affectionate, sensitive, and emotional. Err...I have a soul. I guess maybe I need to also re-evaluate how I'm marketing myself on the Relationship Block.

maybe another post. this has been more than enough honesty for one night.

Recharged

I golfed 27 holes yesterday in gorgeous weather, with zero agendas/appointments/"Things-to-be-done."

It was fantastic.

The sky and stars are so clear and bright tonight...

This was a very hard and long week. Of a new fall menu with record numbers of diners, physical fatigue..............exhaustion from work. Of mental and emotional fatigue from "other"

.... my mind and emotions won't let me sleep. My mind is too persistent, and my standards unyielding....

Tonight I feel very sad. And alone and far away. I guess crying is okay..

Keri Noble live @ the Guthrie

I went to Keri Noble's debut concert of her newest album release @ the Guthrie. I haven't seen a lot of live performances; I'm not a concert junkie/ticket-obsessed show goer, but I've seen enough to say that she is a PERFORMER. Dang. Wicked vocals, singer-song-writer. Totally meant to be doing what she's doing with her life. It's that obvious once you hear and experience her music making live....

I hope people feel that way about the food I cook. Unlike performer/audience member, there's usually no visual/physical connection in the restaurant business, between the customer and the hands that sliced, diced and toiled over your food.... but I hope my food moves people the way her performances have moved me. I don't know why I like her...well I do. I'm just too hyper to explain it on here. For starters.... she's talented beyond description.

growth

I'm turning into a great chef... I probably don't tell myself this enough (for fear that I start buying into the mentality and becoming complacent in my work ethic).

But I am. Quiet pride is good at this point I think. I can do a lot. I know a lot. A lot more than I think I'm even aware of. And the best part is that I have this ridiculous "appetite" for learning and experiencing more.... half of that is just who I am; ....wow. If that's not a blaring vocational/identity statement.

examination

I've realized my greatest fear is imperfection.

Movie. Love. Living.

Our world is awful. We live in a day and age where social justice and quality of life are foreign (if not extinct) from our way of life. A world of brutal obsoletes, and cruelty.

As I reflect upon my own story, and the summation of all that I've experienced up to this point in my life, I can not help but acknowledge the loads of imperfection that is the essence of me. We are human.

But to get where I am...to have been where I've been...to own all that I own. I've been given more than my fair share of 2nd chances...of "free passes". Of Grace.

Seven Pounds..... somewhere in the heart of this movie...there's a powerful notion....and I think it could save the world.

Post KAMP 2010

okay...eff...I have a ton to process and my mind is running wild. ugh.

the internal storm is RAGING.

A Post for Paul

Yesterday I found out a very dear friend of our family, Paul, had passed away. He was a remarkable and incredibly gifted man, who lived a very fullfilled life, but had been dealing with Alzheimer's for quite some time. Anyways--my mother and I took the past day and a half to make the vacant rooms in our house (count 'em:..1..2...3), suitable for any of Paul's relatives traveling to Decorah to stay in while they are here for the next few days rather than renting hotel rooms.

Two of his grandchildren are staying with us. One is a current Luther student and her brother, a recent Seminary grad, and his wife are also staying.

I have been thinking back on all of the home stays that I've been the recipient of in my life time. Tours and trips with music ensembles, weekends crammed like sardines with my Ultimate Frisbee team mates in someone's basement or camping in a stranger's backyard for tournaments. It's quite a concept, opening up one's most personal and private space (their home) to strangers.....I think we're called to do that with our hearts as well.

Very grateful to have our guests staying with us the next few days. Very grateful for the gifts and reminders their grandfather and his wife have taught me over the course of my growing up..... shine down Paul. Shine down.

Gorgeous Tuesday

And it's mine for the taking. outside. lunch date. coffee shop hopping. Hair cut. perhaps a round of golf!!

Hot Day

It's officially Summer 2010, at least by calendar standards..

And if that's not enough, the heat/humidity has finally made a legit appearance. So what did I do? Go for a kick ass run of course, in my new shorts from Spain (courtesy Bran-Man). The sweat-proof sun block was out, the shades were on, the iPod cranked and I'm feeling good about myself.

Feeling Forgotten on Arrival Day

....well, 24 years ago I was escorted to America on this day. In our younger childhood days, my family would celebrate these respective days for my siblings and myself.

But today I felt like I was not remembered. Maybe my family has grown out of the "Hooray!" factor as the 3 of us have gotten older? We didn't do anything to celebrate this day. It was not mentioned or spoken of.

Maybe I've been forgotten in the fall out of my brother returning from a month in Spain 2 days ago, and Father's Day yesterday..... but I feel like Father's Day would be a pretty blatant reminder of the day that directly follows it.

And I can't sleep....

So much privilege...

Gulp.

I was given a large sum of money today in the mail. How did it come to be this family, and these relatives? Why me? How did it come to be?

I guess the best answer is just going to be vague: "It's the world I live in." It feels like a lazy cop-out from attempted reasoning, but part of me is 85% convicted by it. That was supposed to be semi-funny.

Anyways...I feel very fortunate. And I have a couple of options how to utilize this gift. Part of it may go towards my car loan, another portion towards my savings and ROTH IRA (never too early to start thinking about having my own private place in the Carribean years down the road....or Lake Como, Italy....or Cape Town..) and then a bit for more immediate expenses. Golfing. A long over due massage...

And still some towards a career oriented move of some sorts... or a trip to the Motherland. much to contemplate.

s

A 'whole' Society-Contributing Citizen

One thing I'm working on in my self improvement quest is staying involved in "current events/happenings" both domestic and abroad.

I understand stock market principles and basic economics, but don't spend nearly the minimal time I should to better understand the ripple effect it has on our economy and societal ways. I read on the news this morning that there's some 30 schools being closed in Detroit over the summer.

That's a lot of pink slips. And lots of re-zoning. And lots of families unable to perhaps pay for their children's education....where does this put us? Me?

haze...

I had a shit of a work day today...... it did not end well. Actually a shit of a week in general.... my life is very weird and challenging right now. I feel unprepared and unsure of what I'm doing. Sometimes daily. I can't quiet my mind and my thoughts...and consequently my seIlf prognosis-acute-insomnia has been keeping my eyes red and my body fatigued due to only a couple hours of sleep a night.

So after a shit week and a shit day of work....I resorted to my old coping mechanism...I went running in the rain.....for 2 hours...

It might not sound healthy....but it felt good.

And tonight---I watched Forrest Gump, one of my all time favorite movies ever. I find such a connection with it's story lines...It reminded me of why Love is something worth looking for. Because watching Tom Hanks cry--talking to his wife's grave--after recently finding he was a father, ties the mystery and the internal pain of my own life to something tangible.

Knowing that I'm not the only person who has ever stood in front of a headstone, listened to the birds and the wind in the trees...talking to the blades of grass at my feet. Asking big questions knowing the only response I'll get is the wind...

Story and parallels aside, it's a wonderfully made movie from a critical standpoint. And my night is just a little better now....

Monday by the Lake

I spent all afternoon yesterday around Lake Calhoun, basking in the sun, watching all the runners, bikers, and TC residents who were thinking just like I was: SEIZE IT

I read a book all afternoon. IT was the MOST GLORIOUS DAY. Caps lock = totally appropriate.

Haven't felt that depth of happiness in a long time.

I'm going to make some changes in the future...they could be hairy/scary. [exhale].

Breaking Away

I need to get away for awhile....and re-center.

How will we live?

http://english.aljazeera.net/news/middleeast/2010/05/201051081849739152.html

What if it was our country...what would we call a system that forces 65 percent of one ethnic/racial group into poverty? What would we call a system that forces 75 percent of this ethnic/racial group's children into poverty, along with 45% of its own children in poverty? What would we call this system that discriminates based on an ethnic/racial group in "planning and construction, exploitation of land, and minimal investment in physical infrastructure and government and municipal services?" What do we call a system that strips a people of its land (based on race/ethnicity), builds homes for the people in power, and then issues few permits for housing construction of this subordinate population since the occupation started?

Does this resemble segregation in the US? Does this resemble Apartheid in South Africa? Does this remind the United States of our dark past of colonization (manifest destiny) and stripping indigenous peoples and Mexicans of the lands where they resided on the continent of North America? Does this remind us of our current policies of immigration enforcement during the 2000s? Does this resemble gentrification in US metropolitan centers? Does this resemble suburban Europe with its policies of isolation and exclusion for North Africans and other immigrants? Have we fallen so far from grace that we cannot see the systems within our own borders?

Are we able to make this world better, not just for the few, but for all? Are we able put our personal ambitions and self-justifications away for the sake of the common good? Are we able to be a compassionate people struggling for liberation and reconciliation, instead of domination and isolation? Are we able to live with love, grace, and service, instead of hate, apathy, and selfishness? Are we able to co-exist together, instead of destroying and bringing each other down? Can we see each other, not as competitors, strangers, or enemies, but as neighbors, brothers and sisters....as one race, one Human race? How will we live?

Found it in the kitchen

I need to cook everyday. I find such pleasure and satisfaction in it. In the complete process. Of searching for products, organizing, preparing and then balancing all with heat/cold and gastro-chem.

I do this. I will have reason to be happy. Every day.

1 + 1 = duh.

Springy Me

A few weeks ago I ordered myself a couple new pairs of running shoes. (One for indoor and one for outdoor purposes, DUH). Anyways-- I've been logging quite a few miles and I feel good. mentally and physically. Makes sense.

Yesterday I went for a 12 mile run which ended up only being 7 and a half because I was tugged into an Ultimate Frisbee scrimmage against a La Crosse, WI team that was visiting. The grass was green, the sun was out in full force and the sky was a striking blue. Beautiful Saturday afternoon, the day after a fresh rain. I figured, "Why not." Post scrimmage I left the fields with a few semi-sore muscles (which are now sorer than they were yesterday) a dirt and grass stained shirt and some awesome battle scars and scrapes --one of which is about the size of a wiffle ball hanging out high on the side of my right thigh.

I was the oldest out on the fields...but I definitely outplayed everyone there. (which feels nice in a small way).

I'm training for a possible marathon, and I'm going to start the world famous P90X training and fitness program in about 2-3 weeks, which will last me through the summer. I'm pretty excited for that. It'll be a nice distraction I think.

I hope Easter is as good to you all as it is to me. :o) Keep blazing trails and forging new paths.

Revived.

long time, no post. Sorry.

It's been boiling within , and now it's gotta come out.

I love Gordon Ramsey. He's so fucking passionate about food and service, that it sickens me.

His personality is brutally pointed. Direct. Critical. Yet extremely well-versed, educated, and brilliantly observant.

Kitchen Nightmares. Hell's Kitchen. watch 'em.

"shit mate..." i'm so hooked on that depth of passion.

Fortune Teller Hippie on Valentine's Day

Last night, after putting in a 14 hour day at the restaurant (oh Valentine's Day...blah blah blah)
I had no capable brain function. So I went to the late showing of Valentine's Day at the theater with Megan and Talls & Smalls. I slept through about a third of it. I saw the ending and may buy it.

Afterwards, I met a Hippie at a local bar. He looked tattered and weather-beaten on the outside. Grayed beard and course skin, dressed in some holey boots, some paint and patch strewn gray pants, and a well worn wool jacket. I wondered if he were homeless. He said he was from out of town. The social justice seeker and humanitarian in me said I should accept him at his words, but I still had my doubts... Why is it that we often force people to prove themselves, before we accept them? Why do we tend to treat people as guilty, until proven innocent.... Rather, why do we struggle to accept strangers on first encounter without any reservations? Why are we guarded and cautionary---especially with "the gpysies, and freaks, the outcast and homeless?"

At any rate, he had a beer with us and after a few minutes he shared that he could read fortunes and volunteered to demonstrate. Apparently a question is asked/presented silently to oneself. Then Hippie Daryl closes his eyes and proceeds to what I can only describe as "spins his thoughts in a randomized mental commotion." It was suggested to us, that we don't leave his mind to whirl too long or it becomes difficult for him to pull out the correct answer. Upon touching his hand, he breathes slowly as if the words or phrases to your question are coming into focus like the vision charts at the optometrist. And then he tells you.

My friend HappyDimples was intrigued and volunteered herself. I decided to simultaneously play along, and asked questions to myself while my friend was controlling the length of Daryl's spin cycle. I played along for 3 spins, and each time Daryl produced answers/phrases that correlated directly to my questions, but not to HappyDimple's.

It was perhaps one of the coolest, most freaky things I've ever ever experienced....I fear if I post the questions, then the answers I've been given might be negated in some weird superstitious manner.

Oh well, I'll share the 3rd, because it was just to freakishly "impossible" to have possibly happened.
Question: Would it be worth my time to return to Korea and search for my birth parents?
Daryl's Spin: "I sense a quest...a journey..."

I will say this, I did not ask questions in which I tried to test the aptitude of his craft or trick him. (ie. what color am I thinking about now?) However, my 2nd question was a follow up question to my first, and the 3rd (which I posted) had nothing to do with questions 1 or 2.

And my mind is blown. Do you believe?

Dog lovers

Also--the other night I watched Owen Wilson and J-Anny in Marley & Me.

If you haven't seen it...grab the pint of icecream or popcorn, a big blanket and hunker down on a cold winter's night.

It's worth it. Fantastic storyline.

DANG!

Last night I had the best dream ever...and I can't freakin' remember what happened in it!?!?!?!

seriously? Jackson, seriously??? sigh. I'm sure I'll just think about it all day long trying to piece parts of it back together....maybe I should try and go back to sleep, same spot, same blanket, same pillow, same position....

maybe it'll be a re-occurring dream.

Vacacion

I have 2 days paid vacation this week. It is awesome.

I deserve every moment of them. :o)

"Staying Busy".... a danger?

I have not slept "well" for many days now...it started in December actually. My mind constantly wanders back to my trip in 2006... I'm sad and happy, and sick with nausea...like part of me is missing, but ironically completely full. Is it jealousy? I suppose in part.


I've been reading the blog of these new Namibia/South Africa Singers from Luther. Part of me wants to comment on every post, and to raid their Facebook profiles and email addresses.... and part of me knows that I have to step back..and let this be Their Trip.

Part of me wants to leave a post on their blog that says something to the effect of, " Enjoy your time abroad....but remember that this is Yours to keep. Do not feel ashamed or afraid to with-hold information from all of your familial followers and online admirers." (The blog was created mostly as a means to keep in contact with parents, spouses, etc. )

And part of me knows that blogging and writing about those happenings NEEDS to take place....to be able to process those dramatic, emotional events.

I hope and pray that their voices are safe and healthy, and their bodies find a way to rejuvenate every night....and their hearts and minds are filled with a love that leaves and replenishes..

sigh.

Disaster in Haiti, Living In Reality

We live in a powerful world. A planet that is truly wild. And at times ferocious. And deadly.

Personally, I do not believe that we can do anything to proactively prevent disaster....that is to say, "to slow nature down"....but is it wrong that I am convicted in the thought that our human actions are certainly capable of enticing and exacerbating Mother Nature?

I am at a loss of words. And like many, lacking credible information on any recent developments in post quake-Haiti...

The reality of today is numbing. Hopefully the reality of tomorrow waves a new banner...

J-Term in Namibia/South Africa '06-'10

Four years ago to the day, I began a trip that would change my life forever. A life journey. A Life Adventure. A trip which I've come to understand, will never end.

It was a month in Namibia and South Africa. A month of choral music. Of learning. Sharing, understanding, conflict, discomfort, reward, and maturation. A month of travels, transition, irony, and much writing. A month of development, which would be the first of all months since.

It was January 2006. We were the first abroad trip from Luther to undertake this load. This morning I saw the 2nd group of Luther Students off in a fashion all too familiar. Amidst the frigid January air, a bus idling outside , luggage aboard, in wait of its passengers: destination Chicago and eventually the raw beauty that embodies the countries of Namibia and South Africa.

The past month, my nights have been filled with flashbacks, dreams, and uncanny moments of deja'vou, all transporting back to those places, smells, sights, and people.


It's far too complicated to write in one post. It's far too personal to uncover in full context. It's far too vast an adventure to entirely share. And time is so precious. And short. More to come soon.

So for now, I remember to embrace those who live slower than I (both due to choice and circumstance) as well as those who have now followed my footsteps, and are beginning to embark on a similar journey. This afternoon I feel a little less whole. A piece of my being, which in recent years has often been ignored and pushed aside in neglect for other priorities, returned to me this morning. And now, it has left to be renewed and recharged in the lands of its origins. Passed on and carried by the purpose and people who fly, sing, and surrender to the Adventure itself.

2010

new decade.