I recently had a conversation with my mom about what she refers to as my "sleeping habits" or "sleeping practices." It was a weird conversation in general, as the two of us haven't been speaking a whole lot on a regular basis, and then all of a sudden we were talking about the concepts of sleep. I realize, that sounds kinda like a nose-dive-depressing-Mother-Son-relationship with an ever-growing chasm, but I think our lack of communication has been mostly due to the fact that her work days and my work days simply do not align--and with the combination of my dad having been out of the country the past month and my mom returning to work the past few weeks, I think her mind has simply been preoccupied. Regardless, the conversation with my mom has brought me to see something that I've never really accepted about myself until now:
I have ALWAYS had a hard time sleeping. ALWAYS. My mom told me that when I was a baby, like a "baby baby"--- she would sit up late at night while I threw tantrums in my crib. And when I grew to the point where I was smart enough to get out of my crib, she would sit on the floor holding the door shut while I beat on it from the other side screaming and crying. [eventually I would wear myself out from all of my kicking and yelling, fall asleep obstructing the door's ability to open freely, and then my mom would slowly open the door and nudge my body with it until she could enter the doorway and put me back in my crib.
In Elementary school I did a lot of sleep talking and walking at night. I had a huge fear of the dark---and in some respects I suppose I've never really shaken that fear of the dark either. I slept with a night light until I was 13, and my glow in the dark ceiling stars were always on, as well as the hallway light directly outside my door. In Middle School, I figured out that the radio or music/cd's playing helped me get to sleep at night. Top 40 Radio...Jewel's "Foolish Games"...Savage Garden, N'Sync etc. Wow.
In high school and college, my sleep patterns evolved to where I would either pop in a DVD or fall asleep with the T.V. on in the background. I love that noise of the screen when the TVs on, but the main volume is virtually inaudible. My frustrations with falling asleep lie in the fact that night time generally offers the most "continual silence" of my days---which is ironically what my brain needs to operate and think the best; i.e. homework, leisure reading, working, etc. So as I try to reason this out cold-turkey: When my body should and wants to fall asleep, my brain is telling my body I've just reached prime Thinking Capability and that I should be productive and do things while I'm still "on fire." Thus in high school, I would go to bed at like 11---but would lay awake until 2 or 3 in the morning; eventually using that time to do homework, read, journal, doodle, and I may or may not admit to having re-arranged my furniture/room twice in one night.
I've also come to dislike sleeping under the covers after a past soccer accident. My mom and I talked about "where" I fall asleep---which is often on the couch with a blanket rather than "in my bed."
Also, I can fall asleep in the most odd positions...like in arm chairs with my legs over the back and my head half on an arm-rest. Or wedged in a corner....
I suppose I'm going to close this blog for now, blaming and pointing my finger at Silence as the culprit to my sleeping woes. I half-heartedly laugh remembering that I've always had a difficulty with sleep, and think to myself, "Don't worry, you've always been a bit odd, and confused."
So if you have sleep remedies, by all means send them my way. **Though I've already counted thousands of sheep, goats, and fish...Work can be a killer---I think I deserve a vacation. Where would I vacation?! I think that's for an up-coming blog. For now, I'll keep seeking the Dark with a Light on.
