My determination, ambition, and drive have never been higher. My fear runs wild. Mostly of the unknown; of a lack of a "TRUE FOOLPROOF PLAN." A lack of Perfection. Of absolute certainty.
I'm going to run a Marathon next year. And find a new job. Or Multiple jobs. A new home. An equal or improved life. My launch has already started.
Chicago Marathon. Boston Marathon. New York Marathon. Minneapolis? I will train. Change my body, change my health, endure the transformation. own myself. Over come injury. Fear Doubt. I will re-plant, nourish, and strengthen the self confidence I currently possess to grow back bigger, larger, healthier, and more durable to survive and conquer what lies ahead of me.
***The art of running. Distances. Marathons. Life's Marathon. In community. In solitude. In isolation. In love. In Honor and with honor.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
2013
A year stuffed completely beyond the brim with ambition of astronomical heights.
I want to the get the most out of myself, my direct kitchen staff, and the serving staff I am charged with. I want to bring out the best of their individual talents and abilities and utilize them in successful and creative ways. I want them to be happy working hard. I want them to feel validated in their efforts. I want to foster determination and dedication.
If I can help to shape them and instruct, guide, and advise their decisions I think I will have accomplished something worthy of remembrance. I will have made a worthwhile contribution to their lives, and my own.
I will be happy in the small, beautiful, simple parts of life; and will use those tiny pieces for fuel. For defense. For launch.
I will keep my mind, heart, and eyes open to spontaneous possibility, to ultimately become more positive, more realistic, to be more thoughtful, more creative, more opportunistic, and more transformative. To be more versatile and useful.
I will spread joy and nurture the growth and development of happiness.
I want to the get the most out of myself, my direct kitchen staff, and the serving staff I am charged with. I want to bring out the best of their individual talents and abilities and utilize them in successful and creative ways. I want them to be happy working hard. I want them to feel validated in their efforts. I want to foster determination and dedication.
If I can help to shape them and instruct, guide, and advise their decisions I think I will have accomplished something worthy of remembrance. I will have made a worthwhile contribution to their lives, and my own.
I will be happy in the small, beautiful, simple parts of life; and will use those tiny pieces for fuel. For defense. For launch.
I will keep my mind, heart, and eyes open to spontaneous possibility, to ultimately become more positive, more realistic, to be more thoughtful, more creative, more opportunistic, and more transformative. To be more versatile and useful.
I will spread joy and nurture the growth and development of happiness.
Monday, April 16, 2012
A change in the seasons: Spring Gardening
To Papa Jack and members of the Steele family, For Grandma, mom, Sara, & all who have gathered
It is spring, and the air has an invigorating freshness to it, does it not? There's a clean, wet smell; of the earth itself thawing post winter. April showers that seep into roots, trees budding, grasses and lawns returning to lush greens. The first tulips and daisies opening their petals to drink in warm sunlight. Visual reminders of vibrant new life, growth, and change; these are things that I feel can help us all in the days ahead. There is an energy to be drawn from the gardens we sow, (and not just in an edible food sense.... Do we not take time to fill our hearts and indulge in this aesthetic? To reap the joy that can be found in a perfectly potted herb garden? (or in Aunt Sara's case, a hum-dinger of a beautiful butternut squash crop last fall!) Being aware in the beauty of who and what is around us, and reveling in the present.
And just as much to our external perceptions, I can't help but be mindful and reflect inwardly of ourselves and our relationships to one another. There is a hole in my family garden, a file that has no traceable direct contacts to a land that Papa Jack spent time serving in the Air Force. Slowly, I have been filling that hole with beautiful things, bridging the gap by planting fond memories and a myriad of blessings in my life. How humbling it is for me, to remember that I am named after my grandfathers. It is their names and it is mine. I own it. To be able to say that I am Jackson Lee. How humbling it is, to have the best part of my life directly in front of me, and the opportunity to live my life with a reflection of the servitude my grandfathers exemplified in their own.
I think my mother would agree, and perhaps find a smidget of humor, in the uncanny similarities between her father and her middle (more handsome, more observant, more perfect, more comedic....more....humble) son. Allow me to continue in a brief comparison of slight vanity, and self-righteous glorification to Papa Jack.
--Back in the day, Papa Jack was one halfway good lookin' dude! (I mean, grandma obviously thought so) (**He probably could have used a few fashion pointers from me, as well as my parents and aunts and uncles, but everyone in those days could have.) Did you see those pictures of him in that slide show?!
--He had a passion for flying. (I have a bizarre euphoric enjoyment with airports and travel; a characteristic that skipped my mother, was passed onto Sara and then to my cousins, siblings, and myself.)
--He cared about his family and worked hard to provide them with not only the enjoyable materials of life (like annual trips to Hawaii and hideous sundresses for his daughters) but with a household of love both tough and gentle. (I care about my family so much that I still live at home to take care of my parents, walking the dog, doing the dishes and laundry, having the driveway shoveled before they go to work at 5:30 a.m. in the winter)
--He never turned down a glass of Chardonnay. (I would have to say that, my preference in styles of Chardonnay are bit more........ "informed" than Papa Jack's, my mother would probably term them "Expensive" or "Pricey" but if the stacks of wine boxes in my parent's basement are any testament to his mentoring of myself, I'd have to at least attribute our common interest in grape products.
And lastly, in his more recent later years of life, Papa Jack was a pretty stubborn man; and in some regards I think it could be argued that he was stubborn his whole life. (I would bet the farm, my mother would whole heartedly agree that I've been a stubborn man my whole life, from my literal crib and infant late night door pounding to my unyielding will in any form of a competitive environment--sports, board games, flash cards you name it.) Stubbornness is a quality and characteristic that often carries a negative connotation in our modern usage. Papa Jack often refused help from those around him, he wanted to be independent, to be strong and able-bodied; characteristics that he'd modeled his whole life with a deep sense of pride. And in my self examination, I'd have to admit that I too, often refuse to ask for help even when I know I need it. But what a perfect Easter reminder this quality of Papa Jack and myself is: ........are we not all alike in this account? Have we not all acted this way, closing ourselves off from help, care and love? It's part of our imperfection; part of our humanity.
So I take pleasure in re-thinking stubbornness. Papa Jack used to go walk at the mall, even though it hurt his knees and body to do so, and I think he stubbornly continued to do so until it hurt too much. And I know of another stubborn man; who stubbornly refused to give into his own fears, who stubbornly embraced the challenges and changes in his life and relationships with people who pushed him away....who we were reminded last week, stubbornly carried a cross up a hill and hung upon it. And in the unbelievable awesomeness of the Resurrection, surely stubbornness isn't such a poor quality to embody.
My hunch is that Papa Jack will get back to doing things he used to enjoy and love; spending some quality father-daughter time, perhaps breaking down and tagging along on a shopping trip to some mall in heaven with Paula, fretting over the amount of bags she exits with, and taking liberties with a 2nd or even 3rd glass of Chardonnay afterwards.
"Go ahead and catch your flight. Sunny skies, quick layovers, and smooth landings Papa Jack. May you start enjoying Rombauer Chardonnay on a daily basis, and never sip on Franzia again. If the family that's left here is any indication of your work and life, I'd say you have something to be admired for."
Your Loving Grandson,
Jackson
To Papa Jack and members of the Steele family, For Grandma, mom, Sara, & all who have gathered
It is spring, and the air has an invigorating freshness to it, does it not? There's a clean, wet smell; of the earth itself thawing post winter. April showers that seep into roots, trees budding, grasses and lawns returning to lush greens. The first tulips and daisies opening their petals to drink in warm sunlight. Visual reminders of vibrant new life, growth, and change; these are things that I feel can help us all in the days ahead. There is an energy to be drawn from the gardens we sow, (and not just in an edible food sense.... Do we not take time to fill our hearts and indulge in this aesthetic? To reap the joy that can be found in a perfectly potted herb garden? (or in Aunt Sara's case, a hum-dinger of a beautiful butternut squash crop last fall!) Being aware in the beauty of who and what is around us, and reveling in the present.
And just as much to our external perceptions, I can't help but be mindful and reflect inwardly of ourselves and our relationships to one another. There is a hole in my family garden, a file that has no traceable direct contacts to a land that Papa Jack spent time serving in the Air Force. Slowly, I have been filling that hole with beautiful things, bridging the gap by planting fond memories and a myriad of blessings in my life. How humbling it is for me, to remember that I am named after my grandfathers. It is their names and it is mine. I own it. To be able to say that I am Jackson Lee. How humbling it is, to have the best part of my life directly in front of me, and the opportunity to live my life with a reflection of the servitude my grandfathers exemplified in their own.
I think my mother would agree, and perhaps find a smidget of humor, in the uncanny similarities between her father and her middle (more handsome, more observant, more perfect, more comedic....more....humble) son. Allow me to continue in a brief comparison of slight vanity, and self-righteous glorification to Papa Jack.
--Back in the day, Papa Jack was one halfway good lookin' dude! (I mean, grandma obviously thought so) (**He probably could have used a few fashion pointers from me, as well as my parents and aunts and uncles, but everyone in those days could have.) Did you see those pictures of him in that slide show?!
--He had a passion for flying. (I have a bizarre euphoric enjoyment with airports and travel; a characteristic that skipped my mother, was passed onto Sara and then to my cousins, siblings, and myself.)
--He cared about his family and worked hard to provide them with not only the enjoyable materials of life (like annual trips to Hawaii and hideous sundresses for his daughters) but with a household of love both tough and gentle. (I care about my family so much that I still live at home to take care of my parents, walking the dog, doing the dishes and laundry, having the driveway shoveled before they go to work at 5:30 a.m. in the winter)
--He never turned down a glass of Chardonnay. (I would have to say that, my preference in styles of Chardonnay are bit more........ "informed" than Papa Jack's, my mother would probably term them "Expensive" or "Pricey" but if the stacks of wine boxes in my parent's basement are any testament to his mentoring of myself, I'd have to at least attribute our common interest in grape products.
And lastly, in his more recent later years of life, Papa Jack was a pretty stubborn man; and in some regards I think it could be argued that he was stubborn his whole life. (I would bet the farm, my mother would whole heartedly agree that I've been a stubborn man my whole life, from my literal crib and infant late night door pounding to my unyielding will in any form of a competitive environment--sports, board games, flash cards you name it.) Stubbornness is a quality and characteristic that often carries a negative connotation in our modern usage. Papa Jack often refused help from those around him, he wanted to be independent, to be strong and able-bodied; characteristics that he'd modeled his whole life with a deep sense of pride. And in my self examination, I'd have to admit that I too, often refuse to ask for help even when I know I need it. But what a perfect Easter reminder this quality of Papa Jack and myself is: ........are we not all alike in this account? Have we not all acted this way, closing ourselves off from help, care and love? It's part of our imperfection; part of our humanity.
So I take pleasure in re-thinking stubbornness. Papa Jack used to go walk at the mall, even though it hurt his knees and body to do so, and I think he stubbornly continued to do so until it hurt too much. And I know of another stubborn man; who stubbornly refused to give into his own fears, who stubbornly embraced the challenges and changes in his life and relationships with people who pushed him away....who we were reminded last week, stubbornly carried a cross up a hill and hung upon it. And in the unbelievable awesomeness of the Resurrection, surely stubbornness isn't such a poor quality to embody.
My hunch is that Papa Jack will get back to doing things he used to enjoy and love; spending some quality father-daughter time, perhaps breaking down and tagging along on a shopping trip to some mall in heaven with Paula, fretting over the amount of bags she exits with, and taking liberties with a 2nd or even 3rd glass of Chardonnay afterwards.
"Go ahead and catch your flight. Sunny skies, quick layovers, and smooth landings Papa Jack. May you start enjoying Rombauer Chardonnay on a daily basis, and never sip on Franzia again. If the family that's left here is any indication of your work and life, I'd say you have something to be admired for."
Your Loving Grandson,
Jackson
Monday, October 24, 2011
Here's the thing....
.... you see, I'm a dreamer. I'm a realist, but more often than not, I'm an eternal, hopeful, faith driven, optimist. And when things that I've been patiently praying and holding out for are altered or become a different reality, it puts me in my place. And I relive a process that I've lived, and survived, and grown from over and over and over. It's a process of self doubt, examination, analysis, recovery, and projection....often accompanied by long runs and personal fitness bouts, getting back to composing, and burying myself deep into my culinary aspirations/work....journal writing and random self help/inspirational book reading. And wine. This process, doesn't always appear to be a healthy choice (subconscious and deliberate) but I vainly continue to hold out that I'm still a beautiful person, and attractive, and smart, and creative, and loving, sensitive, loyal, and honest.....even when I run my body ragged and over extend my physical capabilities--logging extra hours in the kitchen just to be doing something, rather than being alone doing nothing....or reading books by myself.. Because I'm also a person that NEEDS social interaction. I revel in my introverted moments and personal space/isolated time, but the ME that is exciting and enjoyable, and "beautiful, attractive....loving, sensitive, etc." surfaces on the necessity for developing relationships with others. Knowing other people, listening beyond their words to truly understand their actions and decisions on an intellectual and deeply personal and intimate level. When that complex combination of variables are all in place, THAT is the equation when I am most Alive. When my heart is the most full. When I believe and feel convicted in my path, my identity, and when my fears cannot strangle the intricate and beautiful cerebral world my heart and mind endlessly rebuild and restructure each day.
Colorfully blunt perspective, but I'm glad I know ME well enough to be able to acknowledge this and have a very strong awareness of my reactionary/defensive/humanistic tendencies.
Something I like about myself:
In all of the unexpected-realities that have unfolded which are different than what I've envisioned and hoped for, whether they be hurtful, angering, outright shocking or awesomely raw and joyful, I continue to love those who love me unconditionally, remind myself of their example, pick up the pieces of myself and patiently rewrite the scripts, reconstruct the dreams, and dare to envision my life and the world I desire once again. My Light is bright.
Colorfully blunt perspective, but I'm glad I know ME well enough to be able to acknowledge this and have a very strong awareness of my reactionary/defensive/humanistic tendencies.
Something I like about myself:
In all of the unexpected-realities that have unfolded which are different than what I've envisioned and hoped for, whether they be hurtful, angering, outright shocking or awesomely raw and joyful, I continue to love those who love me unconditionally, remind myself of their example, pick up the pieces of myself and patiently rewrite the scripts, reconstruct the dreams, and dare to envision my life and the world I desire once again. My Light is bright.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
an afternoon in the summer breeze......
It was such a beautiful afternoon......Sun was a happy companion with it's friends Breeze and Cloud.
And on beautiful days like this, I wonder what my mom is doing. Somewhere. And I need some Sara to bring me out of the gray and back to reality....
Gravity.
And on beautiful days like this, I wonder what my mom is doing. Somewhere. And I need some Sara to bring me out of the gray and back to reality....
Gravity.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Time Lapse
It's been over 2 months since I've last posted.
Mostly because Life happened to me. And I have the luxury to choose how to spend my precious energy. Energy is a commodity, and a component to Health, which Life is dependent upon.
That statement is representation of the past 2+ months; circular thought, redundant loops, and adventures/travels beyond my imagination foreign and domestic, in body and mind. In Action and Thought.
Mistakes, Lessons Learned, and Inclinations Affirmed. And still, a deep well of wonder pooled within my center; hungry, curious, and insatiable. And I've somehow managed to keep it all under control, wrapped up in the self armor I've begun to master.
Mostly because Life happened to me. And I have the luxury to choose how to spend my precious energy. Energy is a commodity, and a component to Health, which Life is dependent upon.
That statement is representation of the past 2+ months; circular thought, redundant loops, and adventures/travels beyond my imagination foreign and domestic, in body and mind. In Action and Thought.
Mistakes, Lessons Learned, and Inclinations Affirmed. And still, a deep well of wonder pooled within my center; hungry, curious, and insatiable. And I've somehow managed to keep it all under control, wrapped up in the self armor I've begun to master.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Because Integrity is Fearless
Put on your armor. Go back into the fire.
Tomorrow is a new day. And today was a new day. And it was Good. Really-Good. Productively-Good. 3-closets-of-clothes-arranged-and-sorted-Good. And I cooked.
AND I won $ 103 today!? So that's nice. Very nice.
Back into the Fire....embracing the heat.
Tomorrow is a new day. And today was a new day. And it was Good. Really-Good. Productively-Good. 3-closets-of-clothes-arranged-and-sorted-Good. And I cooked.
AND I won $ 103 today!? So that's nice. Very nice.
Back into the Fire....embracing the heat.
Monday, February 28, 2011
How does it Change so fast??
Refocus. Re-prioritize your energy. I am important. I can't please everyone else if I only have half of me to give... (I can't please everyone else anyways..)
Put your big goals back on paper. And look at them everyday.
I'm not sure how I've become so uncomfortable and uneasy with where I am and what I'm doing, when only a few short weeks ago I couldn't have been more stable and okay with it. Ups and downs. I need a grounding force...or person...or group...or activity (other than work).
If only it were nice out, and I could escape from "this" via the running trails and golf courses..... Sigh.
Put your big goals back on paper. And look at them everyday.
I'm not sure how I've become so uncomfortable and uneasy with where I am and what I'm doing, when only a few short weeks ago I couldn't have been more stable and okay with it. Ups and downs. I need a grounding force...or person...or group...or activity (other than work).
If only it were nice out, and I could escape from "this" via the running trails and golf courses..... Sigh.
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Truth About Exhaustion
The truth about exhaustion is that it leave one, zero room for bullshit. zero room for white lies, and cleverly worded masks towards one's true emotions and onset. I am lonely....I would have to say, rationally, that this is not a good thing. Loneliness is not a good thing.
I am so dedicated to my work, to subconciously ignore and supress my loneliness, and in turn, I force myself to focus on my work and future work, rather than myself, my health, my family, my ambitions, and what (at times) my heart and body are literally/physically telling me to be tuned into.....
.....oiy.
I am so dedicated to my work, to subconciously ignore and supress my loneliness, and in turn, I force myself to focus on my work and future work, rather than myself, my health, my family, my ambitions, and what (at times) my heart and body are literally/physically telling me to be tuned into.....
.....oiy.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Not a Good Day....a Red Day.... Defending My Honor.
Today was not a good day.
Events of today make me feel angry. And sad. And a bit helpless. And I'm angry because of my helplessness...
I have no one here (D-rah) to vent to.... at least, no-one I feel comfortable venting THIS stuff to. So blog, you're getting it. This is it: ________________!!!!!!! My character has recently been smeared and illustrated in a completely inaccurate and drastically vulgar manner. Which hurts. And angers me....there are few things more frustrating and anger-some than having your name and reputation run into the ground by a barrage of falsifications; when Truth is hammered and beaten down by rumors and shadowy words. I know that I am a gentle, and caring and loyal man. And creative. And ambitious. And unique. But I don't know how to defend my honor against outright lies....without wanting to effin' scream.
In addition to the recent mess, I'm going through major withdrawl. I've been making some big life decisions and spent lots of time thinking and contemplating, and planning, and wondering, and scenario-scheming....
I miss my A.K. family members...they're all living their lives, and I'm living mine. Which is good. But our distance apart (in mileage and time) is a gloomy reminder that makes me sadder than I already am.
I wonder so many things. I've never been scared to think or question. And imagine. My mind has been working a lot lately....both inside and outside of the Rubaiyat Kitchen. I hope a couple hours of sleep tonight can help me generate a capable defense. Or the energy to endure...
Events of today make me feel angry. And sad. And a bit helpless. And I'm angry because of my helplessness...
I have no one here (D-rah) to vent to.... at least, no-one I feel comfortable venting THIS stuff to. So blog, you're getting it. This is it: ________________!!!!!!! My character has recently been smeared and illustrated in a completely inaccurate and drastically vulgar manner. Which hurts. And angers me....there are few things more frustrating and anger-some than having your name and reputation run into the ground by a barrage of falsifications; when Truth is hammered and beaten down by rumors and shadowy words. I know that I am a gentle, and caring and loyal man. And creative. And ambitious. And unique. But I don't know how to defend my honor against outright lies....without wanting to effin' scream.
In addition to the recent mess, I'm going through major withdrawl. I've been making some big life decisions and spent lots of time thinking and contemplating, and planning, and wondering, and scenario-scheming....
I miss my A.K. family members...they're all living their lives, and I'm living mine. Which is good. But our distance apart (in mileage and time) is a gloomy reminder that makes me sadder than I already am.
I wonder so many things. I've never been scared to think or question. And imagine. My mind has been working a lot lately....both inside and outside of the Rubaiyat Kitchen. I hope a couple hours of sleep tonight can help me generate a capable defense. Or the energy to endure...
Monday, January 3, 2011
Non-Limbo-Related...question mark
Not entirely sure where this post is coming from, but I'm going to write while it's fresh and then analyze later. (great tip)
Someday, if and when I meet Mrs.Perfect, I want to travel across the world with her for the rest of our lives in an attempt to create a list of romantic places we've experienced (not simply visited). World Travel itself has an inherently powerful effect on relationships. It both affirms and changes preconceived perceptions and beliefs, and I think, in turn makes us honor our own humanity in a truthful and exposed/vulnerable way. And what can be more romantic than a person who's willing to embark on that sort of lifelong commitment-- traveling together and learning more about one another in the process. There's so much to absorb, and not to create wacky postulates but:
If there's so much to absorb, then there's so much to be given/found/received--- (out there, in the world).
Much of the romance in my mind, is created by the fact that I'm beginning to realize/believe that it is likely I won't be an extremely (monetarily) wealthy man; although I could very well be wrong. Cooking is not exactly a "fast track" route to career success and financial gain, but it's what I love doing and I'm not going to run away from it or put it on a back burner in order to undergo new education that would land me larger paychecks earlier in my life. *But there's no doubt in my mind that cooking/restaurant-investing with one's life certainly can lead to that; just look at all of the young celebrity chef's etc. I could be one of those, if I want. It's just a matter of where I prioritize the next few years of my life. Anyways---a lot of the romance that I see in that kind of an endeavor comes from this belief; that romantic world travel is very expensive, and thus takes a lot of planning and commitment of my/Mrs.Perfect's earning/income (AKA a LOT of SAVING...hello retirement funds). I think that's a very attractive individual quality---> the ability to not only be disciplined in one's spending/saving, but visionary as well.
I'm certainly not planning on saving all of this romantic travel for the later parts of our lives (retirement). Vacations. Get-aways. Spontaneity. Think of all the pictures and postcards. Videos and souvenirs. All of those material things ironically make up something that is intangible; memories. There will be unforgettable smells and sights. And the weather. There's so much diversity and "well-roundedness" if that even makes sense. And even the parts that may be regrettable or unplanned and perhaps downright unfortunate...those all create memories, that hopefully serve purpose to remind Mrs.Perfect and I that our commitment to travel and explore is really just a commitment to our love for one another...and all the stuff along the way is simply reward...or leisure...or however you want to frame it. I see sailboats. And rainforests. And Villas. And lots of beaches and sunsets. And gray skies (which I find are gorgeous in an abstract way). Think Scottland. And golf courses. And resorts. Spa's. Plush robes. Sun-soaked...And Candles. Operas. Gondolas. Oceans. Decades of dinner-for-two-toasts...Many moons and stars from hundreds of different locations...boarding passes and passports. Mountains. Glass. Tinkling. Silverware. Steam. Many travel logs, journal entries, and cafe's. Dresses and ties...a morning newspapers in linens and loafers.
And to tear this whole post down with a floppy and incoherent closing, because I'm running out of organized thought on the matter, who wouldn't want to fly/boat/snorkle, trek, bike, across the vast secluded and hidden gems of the globe with me, drinking wine and indulging in new tastes and sounds and sights... it's a bit selfish, yes, because I have a hunger for new food, wine, and restaurant culture experiences. But when you really think about it, there's so much romance wrapped up in the simple act of eating, traveling, and exploring the unknown---that all of this absurd post makes perfect sense to me. And wine is romantic. non-negotiable. :o)
2011. Maybe not a romantic year per say. Maybe I'm not fully investing in romance yet. But I'm very good at planning when I want to be. And I don't want to be poor and lonely forever. (that was perhaps slightly misleading and minimally depressing in sound). Limbo. non limbo. the puzzle can be construed later on. I think I've said what I've needed to say for now.
Someday, if and when I meet Mrs.Perfect, I want to travel across the world with her for the rest of our lives in an attempt to create a list of romantic places we've experienced (not simply visited). World Travel itself has an inherently powerful effect on relationships. It both affirms and changes preconceived perceptions and beliefs, and I think, in turn makes us honor our own humanity in a truthful and exposed/vulnerable way. And what can be more romantic than a person who's willing to embark on that sort of lifelong commitment-- traveling together and learning more about one another in the process. There's so much to absorb, and not to create wacky postulates but:
If there's so much to absorb, then there's so much to be given/found/received--- (out there, in the world).
Much of the romance in my mind, is created by the fact that I'm beginning to realize/believe that it is likely I won't be an extremely (monetarily) wealthy man; although I could very well be wrong. Cooking is not exactly a "fast track" route to career success and financial gain, but it's what I love doing and I'm not going to run away from it or put it on a back burner in order to undergo new education that would land me larger paychecks earlier in my life. *But there's no doubt in my mind that cooking/restaurant-investing with one's life certainly can lead to that; just look at all of the young celebrity chef's etc. I could be one of those, if I want. It's just a matter of where I prioritize the next few years of my life. Anyways---a lot of the romance that I see in that kind of an endeavor comes from this belief; that romantic world travel is very expensive, and thus takes a lot of planning and commitment of my/Mrs.Perfect's earning/income (AKA a LOT of SAVING...hello retirement funds). I think that's a very attractive individual quality---> the ability to not only be disciplined in one's spending/saving, but visionary as well.
I'm certainly not planning on saving all of this romantic travel for the later parts of our lives (retirement). Vacations. Get-aways. Spontaneity. Think of all the pictures and postcards. Videos and souvenirs. All of those material things ironically make up something that is intangible; memories. There will be unforgettable smells and sights. And the weather. There's so much diversity and "well-roundedness" if that even makes sense. And even the parts that may be regrettable or unplanned and perhaps downright unfortunate...those all create memories, that hopefully serve purpose to remind Mrs.Perfect and I that our commitment to travel and explore is really just a commitment to our love for one another...and all the stuff along the way is simply reward...or leisure...or however you want to frame it. I see sailboats. And rainforests. And Villas. And lots of beaches and sunsets. And gray skies (which I find are gorgeous in an abstract way). Think Scottland. And golf courses. And resorts. Spa's. Plush robes. Sun-soaked...And Candles. Operas. Gondolas. Oceans. Decades of dinner-for-two-toasts...Many moons and stars from hundreds of different locations...boarding passes and passports. Mountains. Glass. Tinkling. Silverware. Steam. Many travel logs, journal entries, and cafe's. Dresses and ties...a morning newspapers in linens and loafers.
And to tear this whole post down with a floppy and incoherent closing, because I'm running out of organized thought on the matter, who wouldn't want to fly/boat/snorkle, trek, bike, across the vast secluded and hidden gems of the globe with me, drinking wine and indulging in new tastes and sounds and sights... it's a bit selfish, yes, because I have a hunger for new food, wine, and restaurant culture experiences. But when you really think about it, there's so much romance wrapped up in the simple act of eating, traveling, and exploring the unknown---that all of this absurd post makes perfect sense to me. And wine is romantic. non-negotiable. :o)
2011. Maybe not a romantic year per say. Maybe I'm not fully investing in romance yet. But I'm very good at planning when I want to be. And I don't want to be poor and lonely forever. (that was perhaps slightly misleading and minimally depressing in sound). Limbo. non limbo. the puzzle can be construed later on. I think I've said what I've needed to say for now.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Limbo
Every year, the agonizing 5-6 days between Christmas and the New Year create a gigantic black hole....and I find myself in a state of Limbo. Maybe it's all of the over-eating and lounging/lack of motivation from the first 3 weeks of December...or the abundance of wine and spirits...the bills and expenses of Christmas spending becoming a reality....or perhaps a combination of it all.
At any rate. That mess which I described, well it's here. I'm stuffed and have enjoyed the past few days of leisure and gluttony in both mind and body. Lots of netflix. I never created a "wish list" for Christmas this year, but am pleased with the gifts I was given. This year all I wanted was some peace and quiet, a nice church service, and some good food. Consider it a Home run on all criteria.
I've been looking back on 2010. Evaluating and processing a year takes a lot out of me; well duh, a lot of experiences to run through the mill. 2011 New Year's Resolutions are in formulation, and a bridging 2010 wrap-up post is on the way.
At any rate. That mess which I described, well it's here. I'm stuffed and have enjoyed the past few days of leisure and gluttony in both mind and body. Lots of netflix. I never created a "wish list" for Christmas this year, but am pleased with the gifts I was given. This year all I wanted was some peace and quiet, a nice church service, and some good food. Consider it a Home run on all criteria.
I've been looking back on 2010. Evaluating and processing a year takes a lot out of me; well duh, a lot of experiences to run through the mill. 2011 New Year's Resolutions are in formulation, and a bridging 2010 wrap-up post is on the way.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Red
Upon re-read, that was cheesy.
Maybe I'm already in the "Cheesy shmultzy Holiday Spirit." meh.
More snow. More snow. More snow....how do I make it stop???
Maybe I'm already in the "Cheesy shmultzy Holiday Spirit." meh.
More snow. More snow. More snow....how do I make it stop???
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
red eye
My sleepless nights continue......and my bizarre dreams are too. Some are now re-occurring. I can't get my mind to shut off.....it is running on overdrive. I think that sooner or later it's going to "explode" / "break down"----> hoping IF that's the case, it is in a manageable time and location...
too much on my mind. decompression needed....
too much on my mind. decompression needed....
Monday, November 1, 2010
Halloween
Freakin' dislike button.
So glad it's done.... there are so many reasons for NOT liking the Halloween Holiday.
Sounding bitter? Only a hint eh?
So glad it's done.... there are so many reasons for NOT liking the Halloween Holiday.
Sounding bitter? Only a hint eh?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Harnessing My Adventurous Curiosity....A Make-Over!?!?!
I'm not really happy with my body. For a variety of reasons. This sounds like a red-flag post, I know, but I guess in my mind it's a bit more 'matter of fact' rather than lamenting and melancholy. 2 years is an embarrassing amount of time to admit that I have lost interest and commitment to maintaining physical fitness and prioritizing my physical health.
I've been thinking for a fair amount of time now about "testing" some changes. I can acknowledge that there's a part of me that is bored. And frustrated. In the past few years, I have become more and more mentally cognizant of my physical/outward appearance and the social responses I observe/feel when I'm out in public (whether it's work or leisure related). I've been considering a make-over. A physical, visual make-over. An exploratory image adjustment.
I want a new look. Something different. Something edgy. Maybe even punk-rock-ish.... not necessarily "emo" or "Hipster..." (i can't stand that categorizing descriptor....I don't think it makes any sense at ALL). I'm thinking about getting my ears pierced. And maybe a tatoo... and possibly coloring my hair......or streaking it. I've been thinking purple or reddish brown.....or maybe even a bright freakin' neon-bluish. I'm no expert in hair dying, but I know enough about the process to understand that it would be hard to say what any of that will look like with my black hair. Speaking of hair. I need a hair cut--or Do I? I'm tired of the same old cut. And the same minimal ways to "style" my hair...or things to do with it. Maybe I should just keep growing it out and give myself more options. But my hair is coarse and straight....and. sigh.
Maybe I'll get my eyebrow pierced. I can't and won't get my lip or tongue or nose pierced or anything crazy weird.... but I'm half intrigued by a spike in my ear, or some studs.
I've always been clean cut, polite, intelligent and "well dressed." And I feel like that's the only way people "can" see me now. They've seen me this way so long, that they can't envision me any other way. They think button down's and polo's and doc martens and nice jeans and khakis.....or even beyond that with sweater vests and ties, cardigans and my insanely large jacket/coat obsession.
I want the "young" me. The kid who got dirty and scraped his knees and wore ripped jeans with gashes in the knees, cotton tee shirts and flannel (dear god I just said that). I just want something a bit more down to earth. How do I say this?! Something not so "high brow" and "preppy" and "upper middle class monetarily priced."
I think this image I've been constructing of myself is having a negative effect on my relationship status. I'm not so sure it's as attractive as I've come to think it is. All the hair fuss and nice clothes. The shoes. The coats. The two dozen bold dress shirts and 30 some ties I have hanging in my closets...( I have clothes in 4 different closets....gross). It's all overkill--- It kinda all feels like a "mask." Like a fake me.... oh boy. Maybe women won't find me any more attractive with pierced ears, colored hair, and a noticably toned physique. But at bare minimum, it'll draw some attention ....
for better or for worse?.... hmm........
*SIDE NOTE* I'm perfectly okay being single, because this no strings attached life-style can be fun and carefree....but let's be real. Deep down I'm affectionate, sensitive, and emotional. Err...I have a soul. I guess maybe I need to also re-evaluate how I'm marketing myself on the Relationship Block.
maybe another post. this has been more than enough honesty for one night.
I've been thinking for a fair amount of time now about "testing" some changes. I can acknowledge that there's a part of me that is bored. And frustrated. In the past few years, I have become more and more mentally cognizant of my physical/outward appearance and the social responses I observe/feel when I'm out in public (whether it's work or leisure related). I've been considering a make-over. A physical, visual make-over. An exploratory image adjustment.
I want a new look. Something different. Something edgy. Maybe even punk-rock-ish.... not necessarily "emo" or "Hipster..." (i can't stand that categorizing descriptor....I don't think it makes any sense at ALL). I'm thinking about getting my ears pierced. And maybe a tatoo... and possibly coloring my hair......or streaking it. I've been thinking purple or reddish brown.....or maybe even a bright freakin' neon-bluish. I'm no expert in hair dying, but I know enough about the process to understand that it would be hard to say what any of that will look like with my black hair. Speaking of hair. I need a hair cut--or Do I? I'm tired of the same old cut. And the same minimal ways to "style" my hair...or things to do with it. Maybe I should just keep growing it out and give myself more options. But my hair is coarse and straight....and. sigh.
Maybe I'll get my eyebrow pierced. I can't and won't get my lip or tongue or nose pierced or anything crazy weird.... but I'm half intrigued by a spike in my ear, or some studs.
I've always been clean cut, polite, intelligent and "well dressed." And I feel like that's the only way people "can" see me now. They've seen me this way so long, that they can't envision me any other way. They think button down's and polo's and doc martens and nice jeans and khakis.....or even beyond that with sweater vests and ties, cardigans and my insanely large jacket/coat obsession.
I want the "young" me. The kid who got dirty and scraped his knees and wore ripped jeans with gashes in the knees, cotton tee shirts and flannel (dear god I just said that). I just want something a bit more down to earth. How do I say this?! Something not so "high brow" and "preppy" and "upper middle class monetarily priced."
I think this image I've been constructing of myself is having a negative effect on my relationship status. I'm not so sure it's as attractive as I've come to think it is. All the hair fuss and nice clothes. The shoes. The coats. The two dozen bold dress shirts and 30 some ties I have hanging in my closets...( I have clothes in 4 different closets....gross). It's all overkill--- It kinda all feels like a "mask." Like a fake me.... oh boy. Maybe women won't find me any more attractive with pierced ears, colored hair, and a noticably toned physique. But at bare minimum, it'll draw some attention ....
for better or for worse?.... hmm........
*SIDE NOTE* I'm perfectly okay being single, because this no strings attached life-style can be fun and carefree....but let's be real. Deep down I'm affectionate, sensitive, and emotional. Err...I have a soul. I guess maybe I need to also re-evaluate how I'm marketing myself on the Relationship Block.
maybe another post. this has been more than enough honesty for one night.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Recharged
I golfed 27 holes yesterday in gorgeous weather, with zero agendas/appointments/"Things-to-be-done."
It was fantastic.
It was fantastic.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
The sky and stars are so clear and bright tonight...
This was a very hard and long week. Of a new fall menu with record numbers of diners, physical fatigue..............exhaustion from work. Of mental and emotional fatigue from "other"
.... my mind and emotions won't let me sleep. My mind is too persistent, and my standards unyielding....
Tonight I feel very sad. And alone and far away. I guess crying is okay..
This was a very hard and long week. Of a new fall menu with record numbers of diners, physical fatigue..............exhaustion from work. Of mental and emotional fatigue from "other"
.... my mind and emotions won't let me sleep. My mind is too persistent, and my standards unyielding....
Tonight I feel very sad. And alone and far away. I guess crying is okay..
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Keri Noble live @ the Guthrie
I went to Keri Noble's debut concert of her newest album release @ the Guthrie. I haven't seen a lot of live performances; I'm not a concert junkie/ticket-obsessed show goer, but I've seen enough to say that she is a PERFORMER. Dang. Wicked vocals, singer-song-writer. Totally meant to be doing what she's doing with her life. It's that obvious once you hear and experience her music making live....
I hope people feel that way about the food I cook. Unlike performer/audience member, there's usually no visual/physical connection in the restaurant business, between the customer and the hands that sliced, diced and toiled over your food.... but I hope my food moves people the way her performances have moved me. I don't know why I like her...well I do. I'm just too hyper to explain it on here. For starters.... she's talented beyond description.
I hope people feel that way about the food I cook. Unlike performer/audience member, there's usually no visual/physical connection in the restaurant business, between the customer and the hands that sliced, diced and toiled over your food.... but I hope my food moves people the way her performances have moved me. I don't know why I like her...well I do. I'm just too hyper to explain it on here. For starters.... she's talented beyond description.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
growth
I'm turning into a great chef... I probably don't tell myself this enough (for fear that I start buying into the mentality and becoming complacent in my work ethic).
But I am. Quiet pride is good at this point I think. I can do a lot. I know a lot. A lot more than I think I'm even aware of. And the best part is that I have this ridiculous "appetite" for learning and experiencing more.... half of that is just who I am; ....wow. If that's not a blaring vocational/identity statement.
But I am. Quiet pride is good at this point I think. I can do a lot. I know a lot. A lot more than I think I'm even aware of. And the best part is that I have this ridiculous "appetite" for learning and experiencing more.... half of that is just who I am; ....wow. If that's not a blaring vocational/identity statement.
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