Here's the thing....

.... you see, I'm a dreamer. I'm a realist, but more often than not, I'm an eternal, hopeful, faith driven, optimist. And when things that I've been patiently praying and holding out for are altered or become a different reality, it puts me in my place. And I relive a process that I've lived, and survived, and grown from over and over and over. It's a process of self doubt, examination, analysis, recovery, and projection....often accompanied by long runs and personal fitness bouts, getting back to composing, and burying myself deep into my culinary aspirations/work....journal writing and random self help/inspirational book reading. And wine. This process, doesn't always appear to be a healthy choice (subconscious and deliberate) but I vainly continue to hold out that I'm still a beautiful person, and attractive, and smart, and creative, and loving, sensitive, loyal, and honest.....even when I run my body ragged and over extend my physical capabilities--logging extra hours in the kitchen just to be doing something, rather than being alone doing nothing....or reading books by myself.. Because I'm also a person that NEEDS social interaction. I revel in my introverted moments and personal space/isolated time, but the ME that is exciting and enjoyable, and "beautiful, attractive....loving, sensitive, etc." surfaces on the necessity for developing relationships with others. Knowing other people, listening beyond their words to truly understand their actions and decisions on an intellectual and deeply personal and intimate level. When that complex combination of variables are all in place, THAT is the equation when I am most Alive. When my heart is the most full. When I believe and feel convicted in my path, my identity, and when my fears cannot strangle the intricate and beautiful cerebral world my heart and mind endlessly rebuild and restructure each day.

Colorfully blunt perspective, but I'm glad I know ME well enough to be able to acknowledge this and have a very strong awareness of my reactionary/defensive/humanistic tendencies.

Something I like about myself:

In all of the unexpected-realities that have unfolded which are different than what I've envisioned and hoped for, whether they be hurtful, angering, outright shocking or awesomely raw and joyful, I continue to love those who love me unconditionally, remind myself of their example, pick up the pieces of myself and patiently rewrite the scripts, reconstruct the dreams, and dare to envision my life and the world I desire once again. My Light is bright.