sad saturday...frantically drained in every sense...

this has turned into a sad and challenging saturday... I'm reliving and re-experiencing a violent torrent of emotions I've previously wrestled with vicariously through my younger brother; who, while in a soccer match today, broke a bone [in his hand] that will require surgery, amidst his senior year of the high school soccer season--at an undefeated point in time.

I absolutely ache. Partially from the bloody-mind-and-body wrenching night behind the bar (private party of 40, reservation of 18, reservation for 10, reservation for 8 reservation for 6, restaurant completely full in between....100% Thrilling Rush--100% Exhausting--100% CRAZY!!!!) mostly from the cyclonic dizzied frenzy my mind is racing along right now. I can't help but compare and contrast my own past season and dream ending soccer injury to this of my brother's. It's horrid. I feel horrid. Words simply don't strike accord with the strain on my face at this current nearly 2 AM hour.....

Hind sight is a bitch and yet a valuable source of wisdom, experience, and opportunistic avenue for comfort and consolation...and connection. Because losing dreams; it puts oneself on an island---that is miles and miles from any sort of other human existence, and the desire for human engagement and encounter. It hurts that badly. It is THAT confusing. It is THAT powerful. And I want, SO badly, for my brother to not feel left alone on an island by himself, with only his own racing mind and messed up emotions to keep him company; because I've been in that lonely place before. And it's terrible. Just terrible. And he worked sooo hard, my parents worked sooo hard, to schedule surgeries prior to this season so he COULD play, and compete, and simply have the opportunity to make a dream become a reality.

He texted me one of the most frustrating texts I've ever received tonight while I was at work...a lot of FML's... I want to say something to him. I want to be of some comfort. But part of me thinks that individual's in that much turmoil simply can't be reached by human desire or action----solely through something of higher power, higher purpose...a far greater love than can be humanly expressed.

I have to work in 5 hours...and I just know that I won't sleep tonight. I'm in need of writing him a letter...of collecting my ownself....my own thoughts...in hopes that those words and reflections of mine, might save him some pain...might help him cope....might encourage and sustain a flicker of hope, when he feels like everything is lost. I need some Michael W. Smith. And a big note-pad...and a pen with lots of ink.

So many prayers for B-Man tonight. Many of them... I'll undoubtedly need this space, this blog, to process in the up and coming hours..and days.....because when he aches I ache. And when he's sleepless... I certainly am too.