Here's the thing....

.... you see, I'm a dreamer. I'm a realist, but more often than not, I'm an eternal, hopeful, faith driven, optimist. And when things that I've been patiently praying and holding out for are altered or become a different reality, it puts me in my place. And I relive a process that I've lived, and survived, and grown from over and over and over. It's a process of self doubt, examination, analysis, recovery, and projection....often accompanied by long runs and personal fitness bouts, getting back to composing, and burying myself deep into my culinary aspirations/work....journal writing and random self help/inspirational book reading. And wine. This process, doesn't always appear to be a healthy choice (subconscious and deliberate) but I vainly continue to hold out that I'm still a beautiful person, and attractive, and smart, and creative, and loving, sensitive, loyal, and honest.....even when I run my body ragged and over extend my physical capabilities--logging extra hours in the kitchen just to be doing something, rather than being alone doing nothing....or reading books by myself.. Because I'm also a person that NEEDS social interaction. I revel in my introverted moments and personal space/isolated time, but the ME that is exciting and enjoyable, and "beautiful, attractive....loving, sensitive, etc." surfaces on the necessity for developing relationships with others. Knowing other people, listening beyond their words to truly understand their actions and decisions on an intellectual and deeply personal and intimate level. When that complex combination of variables are all in place, THAT is the equation when I am most Alive. When my heart is the most full. When I believe and feel convicted in my path, my identity, and when my fears cannot strangle the intricate and beautiful cerebral world my heart and mind endlessly rebuild and restructure each day.

Colorfully blunt perspective, but I'm glad I know ME well enough to be able to acknowledge this and have a very strong awareness of my reactionary/defensive/humanistic tendencies.

Something I like about myself:

In all of the unexpected-realities that have unfolded which are different than what I've envisioned and hoped for, whether they be hurtful, angering, outright shocking or awesomely raw and joyful, I continue to love those who love me unconditionally, remind myself of their example, pick up the pieces of myself and patiently rewrite the scripts, reconstruct the dreams, and dare to envision my life and the world I desire once again. My Light is bright.

an afternoon in the summer breeze......

It was such a beautiful afternoon......Sun was a happy companion with it's friends Breeze and Cloud.

And on beautiful days like this, I wonder what my mom is doing. Somewhere. And I need some Sara to bring me out of the gray and back to reality....

Gravity.

Time Lapse

It's been over 2 months since I've last posted.

Mostly because Life happened to me. And I have the luxury to choose how to spend my precious energy. Energy is a commodity, and a component to Health, which Life is dependent upon.

That statement is representation of the past 2+ months; circular thought, redundant loops, and adventures/travels beyond my imagination foreign and domestic, in body and mind. In Action and Thought.

Mistakes, Lessons Learned, and Inclinations Affirmed. And still, a deep well of wonder pooled within my center; hungry, curious, and insatiable. And I've somehow managed to keep it all under control, wrapped up in the self armor I've begun to master.

Because Integrity is Fearless

Put on your armor. Go back into the fire.

Tomorrow is a new day. And today was a new day. And it was Good. Really-Good. Productively-Good. 3-closets-of-clothes-arranged-and-sorted-Good. And I cooked.

AND I won $ 103 today!? So that's nice. Very nice.

Back into the Fire....embracing the heat.

How does it Change so fast??

Refocus. Re-prioritize your energy. I am important. I can't please everyone else if I only have half of me to give... (I can't please everyone else anyways..)

Put your big goals back on paper. And look at them everyday.

I'm not sure how I've become so uncomfortable and uneasy with where I am and what I'm doing, when only a few short weeks ago I couldn't have been more stable and okay with it. Ups and downs. I need a grounding force...or person...or group...or activity (other than work).

If only it were nice out, and I could escape from "this" via the running trails and golf courses..... Sigh.

The Truth About Exhaustion

The truth about exhaustion is that it leave one, zero room for bullshit. zero room for white lies, and cleverly worded masks towards one's true emotions and onset. I am lonely....I would have to say, rationally, that this is not a good thing. Loneliness is not a good thing.

I am so dedicated to my work, to subconciously ignore and supress my loneliness, and in turn, I force myself to focus on my work and future work, rather than myself, my health, my family, my ambitions, and what (at times) my heart and body are literally/physically telling me to be tuned into.....

.....oiy.

Not a Good Day....a Red Day.... Defending My Honor.

Today was not a good day.

Events of today make me feel angry. And sad. And a bit helpless. And I'm angry because of my helplessness...

I have no one here (D-rah) to vent to.... at least, no-one I feel comfortable venting THIS stuff to. So blog, you're getting it. This is it: ________________!!!!!!! My character has recently been smeared and illustrated in a completely inaccurate and drastically vulgar manner. Which hurts. And angers me....there are few things more frustrating and anger-some than having your name and reputation run into the ground by a barrage of falsifications; when Truth is hammered and beaten down by rumors and shadowy words. I know that I am a gentle, and caring and loyal man. And creative. And ambitious. And unique. But I don't know how to defend my honor against outright lies....without wanting to effin' scream.

In addition to the recent mess, I'm going through major withdrawl. I've been making some big life decisions and spent lots of time thinking and contemplating, and planning, and wondering, and scenario-scheming....

I miss my A.K. family members...they're all living their lives, and I'm living mine. Which is good. But our distance apart (in mileage and time) is a gloomy reminder that makes me sadder than I already am.


I wonder so many things. I've never been scared to think or question. And imagine. My mind has been working a lot lately....both inside and outside of the Rubaiyat Kitchen. I hope a couple hours of sleep tonight can help me generate a capable defense. Or the energy to endure...