We are a certain "breed," a certain "type of person." We are those who operate high octane lives (admittedly sometimes by choice) and find success and sanity through our consistent routines. We are those who fill our heads with countless bits of data, information, experiences, names, knowledge, and sound-bits from the outside world, but rage our own internal battle each day, siphoning the pieces of larger mysteries. We are those who force our bodies through extreme physical submission; substituting wellness components with a double or triple espresso shot, a bowl of peas, and cheese slices "en route" instead of the cancellation and re-scheduling we should probably consider. *And we find pleasure in following it up with 2 and a half hours of excessive running, diving, jumping, and yelling all on account of a plastic disc. It is this beautiful canvas of complex and diverse energy that represents us.
Loss has brought sad days. And undoubtedly difficult transitions in your life.
may you continue to walk and breathe effort into the beautiful life you've created
may you laugh with delight at life's hilarious subtleties
may you do your Goofy Happy dance with disregard for where you are or who's around you
may you explore the world with the curiosity of the kitty we miss so much
may you heed the lessons that I've learned from you;
-surround yourself with love
-remember that you are blessed beyond belief
-You are there for me, and I am here for you
- you're never too far behind your opponent for the layout-bid, so never give up on the play...
thinking of you.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
A month later, Bridging Korean Camps
It's been a month since my last post.
Presently I don't have the time to fill that sort of an absence in this (one) sitting, but I simply can not stay away any longer. Camp Choson was absolutely incredible. This was a summer of Choson in which my first "batch" of campers were now the eldest. And I was humbled by their growth, their leadership, and the spirit within each of them. It was bittersweet and yet affirming, to know and witness how much my continued involvement with that camp had meant to their lives; and very sad to know that they were at a point where they wouldn't be back in camper form---but hopefully still connected perhaps even in the role of Day Camp Counselors. It made me feel old, it made me feel valued, and my heart felt so FULL. I don't like to admit it, but I know I need those people. I live my life in a semi-ignorant mode, telling myself "I'm fine without those people"; out of my own fear that someday, my life will move me away from them, whether it's career related or otherwise. So I try to pretend that I can live away from them; when I really know that inside I'm an internal wreck everyday that we're apart. Those kids, are some of the brightest most resilient humans I know. Their stories are shocking, and it frustrates me that they're forced to "grow up" so fast--- robbed of their "youth" and forced to deal with adult problems at the age of 14. And they just keep showing up. Living their lives. They're my role models. I learn from them. It's why our relationship is so special. We learn from one another...and we know.
And here I am, blogging from Korean Adoption Means Pride [KAMP] back in Iowa. I was reluctant and nervous to come back to KAMP, the result of finding ourselves in a transitioning phase, staff is beginning to thin out, a new Board, and working with a new Co-Coordinator this year---but not really working with her. Add in some very headstrong staff members, and some very "reliable-but-unreliable" ones, and a shortage in Intern Counselor Applications left my stomach in knots. ***which is funny, since I didn't even know who was on staff until about a month ago---that's right, My staff was Chosen FOR ME....their applications were NOT sent to me.... Awesome. Rant over. Anwyways-- if my Choson campers can keep showing up in spite of the shit they live through, then I should be able to do the same. After all, KAMP must go on. And we have 106 KAMPers this year!!!! Which makes my heart soar. Seriously. Forget the fact that this is a family camp so moms, dads, brothers and sisters are all around all the time, which inflicts a lot of difficulties, forget that the entire site is run down-poorly-managed and in need of a HUGE renovation, forget that my staff is underpaid and generally over-worked.....we show up because we need this, and the KAMPers do too. We show up for them. The number of KAMPers this year makes me reminiscent of MY childhood at this camp. When the numbers were consistently in the 100s year after year, and the Staff was made of ALL-STARS!!!! The numbers this year, though 74 of the 100-some are K-6, make me hope and think that with the right leadership, KAMP can rebound in the next 3 years. It's a possibility. An attainable possibility.
My life has moved very fast the past couple weeks. A promotion. A salary. A reason to stick around for awhile longer---and make/save more money just a bit longer before setting out on an adventure for myself. The welcoming I have gotten from staff, from parents, from kids, from the Board, has been so affirming of my abilities here. I often feel unqualified for the position, phony even. But I've always been my biggest critic. At the start of this week, I thought this would be my last year working for KAMP, at least for an indefinite amount of time. I have been coming to this camp for 17 years. I've been on staff for 8 years now, and Co-Coordinating/Directing this camp for 4 years now. And now I know I just can't leave this year. There's no one here to head this staff....but me. And this staff is dwindling which leaves me scared for the future; so recruiting will be a huge part of the success of the next years. I have a drive within right now---and I just can not leave "home" without knowing that my KAMPers are in good hands. Without being certain that they'll have this place as I always did. So I'm choosing to stay. I'm choosing to Show Up. I'm choosing to return. To make this place better. To fix up the crap. Sometimes things don't change on their own, and sometimes no-one else is either A) willing to or B) present to create change----as a very wise man once said, "YOU must BE the Change you want to see in the world." This is MY KAMP. This is MY HOME. These are MY FAMILY members. And they deserve better. I believe that they can have better.
So blogger. Keep your chin up. And your mind open. And your heart always ready for more. And I'll do the same. I'll make room in my busy busy life, for all of you, KAMP. Because you fearlessly show me how much this means to you. More to come soon...
Presently I don't have the time to fill that sort of an absence in this (one) sitting, but I simply can not stay away any longer. Camp Choson was absolutely incredible. This was a summer of Choson in which my first "batch" of campers were now the eldest. And I was humbled by their growth, their leadership, and the spirit within each of them. It was bittersweet and yet affirming, to know and witness how much my continued involvement with that camp had meant to their lives; and very sad to know that they were at a point where they wouldn't be back in camper form---but hopefully still connected perhaps even in the role of Day Camp Counselors. It made me feel old, it made me feel valued, and my heart felt so FULL. I don't like to admit it, but I know I need those people. I live my life in a semi-ignorant mode, telling myself "I'm fine without those people"; out of my own fear that someday, my life will move me away from them, whether it's career related or otherwise. So I try to pretend that I can live away from them; when I really know that inside I'm an internal wreck everyday that we're apart. Those kids, are some of the brightest most resilient humans I know. Their stories are shocking, and it frustrates me that they're forced to "grow up" so fast--- robbed of their "youth" and forced to deal with adult problems at the age of 14. And they just keep showing up. Living their lives. They're my role models. I learn from them. It's why our relationship is so special. We learn from one another...and we know.
And here I am, blogging from Korean Adoption Means Pride [KAMP] back in Iowa. I was reluctant and nervous to come back to KAMP, the result of finding ourselves in a transitioning phase, staff is beginning to thin out, a new Board, and working with a new Co-Coordinator this year---but not really working with her. Add in some very headstrong staff members, and some very "reliable-but-unreliable" ones, and a shortage in Intern Counselor Applications left my stomach in knots. ***which is funny, since I didn't even know who was on staff until about a month ago---that's right, My staff was Chosen FOR ME....their applications were NOT sent to me.... Awesome. Rant over. Anwyways-- if my Choson campers can keep showing up in spite of the shit they live through, then I should be able to do the same. After all, KAMP must go on. And we have 106 KAMPers this year!!!! Which makes my heart soar. Seriously. Forget the fact that this is a family camp so moms, dads, brothers and sisters are all around all the time, which inflicts a lot of difficulties, forget that the entire site is run down-poorly-managed and in need of a HUGE renovation, forget that my staff is underpaid and generally over-worked.....we show up because we need this, and the KAMPers do too. We show up for them. The number of KAMPers this year makes me reminiscent of MY childhood at this camp. When the numbers were consistently in the 100s year after year, and the Staff was made of ALL-STARS!!!! The numbers this year, though 74 of the 100-some are K-6, make me hope and think that with the right leadership, KAMP can rebound in the next 3 years. It's a possibility. An attainable possibility.
My life has moved very fast the past couple weeks. A promotion. A salary. A reason to stick around for awhile longer---and make/save more money just a bit longer before setting out on an adventure for myself. The welcoming I have gotten from staff, from parents, from kids, from the Board, has been so affirming of my abilities here. I often feel unqualified for the position, phony even. But I've always been my biggest critic. At the start of this week, I thought this would be my last year working for KAMP, at least for an indefinite amount of time. I have been coming to this camp for 17 years. I've been on staff for 8 years now, and Co-Coordinating/Directing this camp for 4 years now. And now I know I just can't leave this year. There's no one here to head this staff....but me. And this staff is dwindling which leaves me scared for the future; so recruiting will be a huge part of the success of the next years. I have a drive within right now---and I just can not leave "home" without knowing that my KAMPers are in good hands. Without being certain that they'll have this place as I always did. So I'm choosing to stay. I'm choosing to Show Up. I'm choosing to return. To make this place better. To fix up the crap. Sometimes things don't change on their own, and sometimes no-one else is either A) willing to or B) present to create change----as a very wise man once said, "YOU must BE the Change you want to see in the world." This is MY KAMP. This is MY HOME. These are MY FAMILY members. And they deserve better. I believe that they can have better.
So blogger. Keep your chin up. And your mind open. And your heart always ready for more. And I'll do the same. I'll make room in my busy busy life, for all of you, KAMP. Because you fearlessly show me how much this means to you. More to come soon...
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Death Life Time
It has been a very long day.
Last night someone died in an alleged explosion and fire in an upstairs apartment 2 businesses down the street, literally 10 yards, from the front door of the restaurant I work at.
Sadly, we were closed today due to smoke damage throughout the whole restaurant.... After the professional cleaners came in and sprayed the bajeezez out of the carpet, upholstery and booths with some funky "smoke and odor neutralizer" i spent today cleaning every single glass object in the bar. Stemware, glasses, bottles, mirrors, picture frames, windows, stools.... just an awful mess.
Luckily most of the food in the coolers and freezers were covered and in sealed containers....but every plate, pot, pan, tong, ladle and piece of silverware was washed and dried. Just a mess.
It's alarming to me, that foul play is perhaps aloof. Only time will tell. I was thinking quietly to myself over a few beers with other staff members this evening, how resilient this community is. Decorah has faced it's fair share of tragedies and hardships in the past year. And thinking back, I find some relief in remembering that tragedy, while awful, has a way of bringing out the very best of us. We were not created for destruction. Days like to today urge me to believe that we were brought to this earth and this world, that we've evolved to this point in history, with the inherent ability to nurture, to love, and to live with compassion and integrity of unfathomable potential.
feeling unprepared for the upcoming week of being a counselor at a Korean Adoption teen camp in Wisconsin. Haven't had time to collect my thoughts, or feelings, or pack a bag yet....which means I'll undoubtedly forget something(s) since I have to be on site in a little under 7 hours, with a 3 hour drive waiting . eff. what a day. prayers for whatever makes sense.
Last night someone died in an alleged explosion and fire in an upstairs apartment 2 businesses down the street, literally 10 yards, from the front door of the restaurant I work at.
Sadly, we were closed today due to smoke damage throughout the whole restaurant.... After the professional cleaners came in and sprayed the bajeezez out of the carpet, upholstery and booths with some funky "smoke and odor neutralizer" i spent today cleaning every single glass object in the bar. Stemware, glasses, bottles, mirrors, picture frames, windows, stools.... just an awful mess.
Luckily most of the food in the coolers and freezers were covered and in sealed containers....but every plate, pot, pan, tong, ladle and piece of silverware was washed and dried. Just a mess.
It's alarming to me, that foul play is perhaps aloof. Only time will tell. I was thinking quietly to myself over a few beers with other staff members this evening, how resilient this community is. Decorah has faced it's fair share of tragedies and hardships in the past year. And thinking back, I find some relief in remembering that tragedy, while awful, has a way of bringing out the very best of us. We were not created for destruction. Days like to today urge me to believe that we were brought to this earth and this world, that we've evolved to this point in history, with the inherent ability to nurture, to love, and to live with compassion and integrity of unfathomable potential.
feeling unprepared for the upcoming week of being a counselor at a Korean Adoption teen camp in Wisconsin. Haven't had time to collect my thoughts, or feelings, or pack a bag yet....which means I'll undoubtedly forget something(s) since I have to be on site in a little under 7 hours, with a 3 hour drive waiting . eff. what a day. prayers for whatever makes sense.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Time, Growth, Belief
I don't think anyone in this world can escape their past. (escape, as in "be separate from" "free" "untied"----how many more synonyms must I list in order for the vast metaphoric gray area to shrink?!?!?)
Whether the past is exhilerating, horrific, euphoric, nurtured, broken, unknown or otherwise.... It is always connected to us. Yes I said it, unknown. I'm not fully convinced that even "the unknown" is something we can escape.
We can cope. Ignore. Harness. Bury. Accept and co-exist with our past, but we can not fully "move on" from it.
Choson gives me the capacity to think aloud. And publish thoughts from days...months past.
Sometimes escape is the only solution we can humanly conclude; running, departing... Sometimes the void and space are the catalysts for clarity, understanding, and comprehension. Sometimes we need isolation.
Whether the past is exhilerating, horrific, euphoric, nurtured, broken, unknown or otherwise.... It is always connected to us. Yes I said it, unknown. I'm not fully convinced that even "the unknown" is something we can escape.
We can cope. Ignore. Harness. Bury. Accept and co-exist with our past, but we can not fully "move on" from it.
Choson gives me the capacity to think aloud. And publish thoughts from days...months past.
Sometimes escape is the only solution we can humanly conclude; running, departing... Sometimes the void and space are the catalysts for clarity, understanding, and comprehension. Sometimes we need isolation.
Monday, June 1, 2009
A Rarity!!!!
Rarely do I have the luxury and good fortune of a Free Monday. But here I am, Free of work.
Thusly, I've indulged in an hour of FLN (Fine Living Network---frickin' love it). I think Mark McEwan is a god. I would love to sweat in one of his kitchens.... anyways, he has a show on FLN, The HEAT, and it's captivating television. Truly. See it and believe it.
Absence from blogger has been due to the gorgeous weather and the greening of golf courses in the area.... I have no apologies. Somehow I've become a decent golfer...weird. I like it.
The restaurant has been jam packed---graduation weekends---and the summer schedule is looking great, weddings, rehearsals, events/private parties filling up the few weekends of the summer. I've been left to more or less manage the restaurant the past couple weekends while the bosses have been out of town at showers, wine tastings, Mother's Day Vacation to Napa..etc. [What a life; don't get me wrong, they're married to the restaurant too...but everyone needs to get away now and again--recharge, re-center, search for new inspiration and focus. I think it's a chef thing.]
Because I've picked up, in this industry, something can always be better. :o) **And if it can't, you're either ignorant and lack motivation, or you're hungover and in a food coma from the most mind blowing, palate tantilizing eating experience ever.
And now I need a sandwhich.
Thusly, I've indulged in an hour of FLN (Fine Living Network---frickin' love it). I think Mark McEwan is a god. I would love to sweat in one of his kitchens.... anyways, he has a show on FLN, The HEAT, and it's captivating television. Truly. See it and believe it.
Absence from blogger has been due to the gorgeous weather and the greening of golf courses in the area.... I have no apologies. Somehow I've become a decent golfer...weird. I like it.
The restaurant has been jam packed---graduation weekends---and the summer schedule is looking great, weddings, rehearsals, events/private parties filling up the few weekends of the summer. I've been left to more or less manage the restaurant the past couple weekends while the bosses have been out of town at showers, wine tastings, Mother's Day Vacation to Napa..etc. [What a life; don't get me wrong, they're married to the restaurant too...but everyone needs to get away now and again--recharge, re-center, search for new inspiration and focus. I think it's a chef thing.]
Because I've picked up, in this industry, something can always be better. :o) **And if it can't, you're either ignorant and lack motivation, or you're hungover and in a food coma from the most mind blowing, palate tantilizing eating experience ever.
And now I need a sandwhich.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Soup's On!!!!!
Ooooh. I'm excited. Exhausted but excited. It was a crazy crazy shift @ the restaurant cooking... 199 people---not quite as close to the 246 we served on Mother's Day, but pretty ridiculous none the less.
So what would I do with myself after a draining 9 hour shift??
Come home and cook of course :o) I am a NERD.
Anyways---last Monday I ate lunch at Quang's Vietnamese in Minneapolis with friends.... I had a spectacular bowl of Pho. It was inspirational...amazing. Mouth Watering.
So I came up with my own rendition of it this evening.... ooo baby ooo baby! :o)
Very pleased with myself .... :o)
So what would I do with myself after a draining 9 hour shift??
Come home and cook of course :o) I am a NERD.
Anyways---last Monday I ate lunch at Quang's Vietnamese in Minneapolis with friends.... I had a spectacular bowl of Pho. It was inspirational...amazing. Mouth Watering.
So I came up with my own rendition of it this evening.... ooo baby ooo baby! :o)
Very pleased with myself .... :o)
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