A month later, Bridging Korean Camps

It's been a month since my last post.

Presently I don't have the time to fill that sort of an absence in this (one) sitting, but I simply can not stay away any longer. Camp Choson was absolutely incredible. This was a summer of Choson in which my first "batch" of campers were now the eldest. And I was humbled by their growth, their leadership, and the spirit within each of them. It was bittersweet and yet affirming, to know and witness how much my continued involvement with that camp had meant to their lives; and very sad to know that they were at a point where they wouldn't be back in camper form---but hopefully still connected perhaps even in the role of Day Camp Counselors. It made me feel old, it made me feel valued, and my heart felt so FULL. I don't like to admit it, but I know I need those people. I live my life in a semi-ignorant mode, telling myself "I'm fine without those people"; out of my own fear that someday, my life will move me away from them, whether it's career related or otherwise. So I try to pretend that I can live away from them; when I really know that inside I'm an internal wreck everyday that we're apart. Those kids, are some of the brightest most resilient humans I know. Their stories are shocking, and it frustrates me that they're forced to "grow up" so fast--- robbed of their "youth" and forced to deal with adult problems at the age of 14. And they just keep showing up. Living their lives. They're my role models. I learn from them. It's why our relationship is so special. We learn from one another...and we know.

And here I am, blogging from Korean Adoption Means Pride [KAMP] back in Iowa. I was reluctant and nervous to come back to KAMP, the result of finding ourselves in a transitioning phase, staff is beginning to thin out, a new Board, and working with a new Co-Coordinator this year---but not really working with her. Add in some very headstrong staff members, and some very "reliable-but-unreliable" ones, and a shortage in Intern Counselor Applications left my stomach in knots. ***which is funny, since I didn't even know who was on staff until about a month ago---that's right, My staff was Chosen FOR ME....their applications were NOT sent to me.... Awesome. Rant over. Anwyways-- if my Choson campers can keep showing up in spite of the shit they live through, then I should be able to do the same. After all, KAMP must go on. And we have 106 KAMPers this year!!!! Which makes my heart soar. Seriously. Forget the fact that this is a family camp so moms, dads, brothers and sisters are all around all the time, which inflicts a lot of difficulties, forget that the entire site is run down-poorly-managed and in need of a HUGE renovation, forget that my staff is underpaid and generally over-worked.....we show up because we need this, and the KAMPers do too. We show up for them. The number of KAMPers this year makes me reminiscent of MY childhood at this camp. When the numbers were consistently in the 100s year after year, and the Staff was made of ALL-STARS!!!! The numbers this year, though 74 of the 100-some are K-6, make me hope and think that with the right leadership, KAMP can rebound in the next 3 years. It's a possibility. An attainable possibility.

My life has moved very fast the past couple weeks. A promotion. A salary. A reason to stick around for awhile longer---and make/save more money just a bit longer before setting out on an adventure for myself. The welcoming I have gotten from staff, from parents, from kids, from the Board, has been so affirming of my abilities here. I often feel unqualified for the position, phony even. But I've always been my biggest critic. At the start of this week, I thought this would be my last year working for KAMP, at least for an indefinite amount of time. I have been coming to this camp for 17 years. I've been on staff for 8 years now, and Co-Coordinating/Directing this camp for 4 years now. And now I know I just can't leave this year. There's no one here to head this staff....but me. And this staff is dwindling which leaves me scared for the future; so recruiting will be a huge part of the success of the next years. I have a drive within right now---and I just can not leave "home" without knowing that my KAMPers are in good hands. Without being certain that they'll have this place as I always did. So I'm choosing to stay. I'm choosing to Show Up. I'm choosing to return. To make this place better. To fix up the crap. Sometimes things don't change on their own, and sometimes no-one else is either A) willing to or B) present to create change----as a very wise man once said, "YOU must BE the Change you want to see in the world." This is MY KAMP. This is MY HOME. These are MY FAMILY members. And they deserve better. I believe that they can have better.

So blogger. Keep your chin up. And your mind open. And your heart always ready for more. And I'll do the same. I'll make room in my busy busy life, for all of you, KAMP. Because you fearlessly show me how much this means to you. More to come soon...