A change in the seasons: Spring Gardening
To Papa Jack and members of the Steele family, For Grandma, mom, Sara, & all who have gathered

It is spring, and the air has an invigorating freshness to it, does it not?  There's a clean, wet smell; of the earth itself thawing post winter.  April showers that seep into roots, trees budding, grasses and lawns returning to lush greens.  The first tulips and daisies opening their petals to drink in warm sunlight.  Visual reminders of vibrant new life, growth, and change; these are things that I feel can help us all in the days ahead.  There is an energy to be drawn from the gardens we sow, (and not just in an edible food sense....  Do we not take time to fill our hearts and indulge in this aesthetic?  To reap the joy that can be found in a perfectly potted herb garden? (or in Aunt Sara's case, a hum-dinger of a beautiful butternut squash crop last fall!)  Being aware in the beauty of who and what is around us, and reveling in the present. 

And just as much to our external perceptions, I can't help but be mindful and reflect inwardly of ourselves and our relationships to one another.  There is a hole in my family garden, a file that has no traceable direct contacts to a land that Papa Jack spent time serving in the Air Force.  Slowly, I have been filling that hole with beautiful things, bridging the gap by planting fond memories and a myriad of blessings in my life.  How humbling it is for me, to remember that I am named after my grandfathers.  It is their names and it is mine.  I own it.  To be able to say that I am Jackson Lee.  How humbling it is, to have the best part of my life directly in front of me, and the opportunity to live my life with a reflection of the servitude my grandfathers exemplified in their own.

I think my mother would agree, and perhaps find a smidget of humor, in the uncanny similarities between her father and her middle (more handsome, more observant, more perfect, more comedic....more....humble) son.  Allow me to continue in a brief comparison of slight vanity, and self-righteous glorification to Papa Jack.

--Back in the day, Papa Jack was one halfway good lookin' dude!  (I mean, grandma obviously thought so)  (**He probably could have used a few fashion pointers from me, as well as my parents and aunts and uncles, but everyone in those days could have.)  Did you see those pictures of him in that slide show?!
--He had a passion for flying. (I have a bizarre euphoric enjoyment with airports and travel; a characteristic that skipped my mother, was passed onto Sara and then to my cousins, siblings, and myself.)
--He cared about his family and worked hard to provide them with not only the enjoyable materials of life (like annual trips to Hawaii and hideous sundresses for his daughters) but with a household of love both tough and gentle. (I care about my family so much that I still live at home to take care of my parents, walking the dog, doing the dishes and laundry, having the driveway shoveled before they go to work at 5:30 a.m. in the winter)
--He never turned down a glass of Chardonnay.  (I would have to say that, my preference in styles of Chardonnay are bit more........ "informed" than Papa Jack's, my mother would probably term them "Expensive" or "Pricey" but if the stacks of wine boxes in my parent's basement are any testament to his mentoring of myself, I'd have to at least attribute our common interest in grape products.

And lastly, in his more recent later years of life, Papa Jack was a pretty stubborn man; and in some regards I think it could be argued that he was stubborn his whole life.  (I would bet the farm, my mother would whole heartedly agree that I've been a stubborn man my whole life, from my literal crib and infant late night door pounding to my unyielding will in any form of a competitive environment--sports, board games, flash cards you name it.)  Stubbornness is a quality and characteristic that often carries a negative connotation in our modern usage.  Papa Jack often refused help from those around him, he wanted to be independent, to be strong and able-bodied; characteristics that he'd modeled his whole life with a deep sense of pride.  And in my self examination, I'd have to admit that I too, often refuse to ask for help even when I know I need it.  But what a perfect Easter reminder this quality of Papa Jack and myself is: ........are we not all alike in this account?  Have we not all acted this way, closing ourselves off from help, care and love?  It's part of our imperfection; part of our humanity. 

So I take pleasure in re-thinking stubbornness.  Papa Jack used to go walk at the mall, even though it hurt his knees and body to do so, and I think he stubbornly continued to do so until it hurt too much.  And I know of another stubborn man; who stubbornly refused to give into his own fears, who stubbornly embraced the challenges and changes in his life and relationships with people who pushed him away....who we were reminded last week, stubbornly carried a cross up a hill and hung upon it.  And in the unbelievable awesomeness of the Resurrection, surely stubbornness isn't such a poor quality to embody.

My hunch is that Papa Jack will get back to doing things he used to enjoy and love; spending some quality father-daughter time, perhaps breaking down and tagging along on a shopping trip to some mall in heaven with Paula, fretting over the amount of bags she exits with, and taking liberties with a 2nd or even 3rd glass of Chardonnay afterwards. 

"Go ahead and catch your flight.  Sunny skies, quick layovers, and smooth landings Papa Jack.  May you start enjoying Rombauer Chardonnay on a daily basis, and never sip on Franzia again.  If the family that's left here is any indication of your work and life, I'd say you have something to be admired for."

Your Loving Grandson,
Jackson

Here's the thing....

.... you see, I'm a dreamer. I'm a realist, but more often than not, I'm an eternal, hopeful, faith driven, optimist. And when things that I've been patiently praying and holding out for are altered or become a different reality, it puts me in my place. And I relive a process that I've lived, and survived, and grown from over and over and over. It's a process of self doubt, examination, analysis, recovery, and projection....often accompanied by long runs and personal fitness bouts, getting back to composing, and burying myself deep into my culinary aspirations/work....journal writing and random self help/inspirational book reading. And wine. This process, doesn't always appear to be a healthy choice (subconscious and deliberate) but I vainly continue to hold out that I'm still a beautiful person, and attractive, and smart, and creative, and loving, sensitive, loyal, and honest.....even when I run my body ragged and over extend my physical capabilities--logging extra hours in the kitchen just to be doing something, rather than being alone doing nothing....or reading books by myself.. Because I'm also a person that NEEDS social interaction. I revel in my introverted moments and personal space/isolated time, but the ME that is exciting and enjoyable, and "beautiful, attractive....loving, sensitive, etc." surfaces on the necessity for developing relationships with others. Knowing other people, listening beyond their words to truly understand their actions and decisions on an intellectual and deeply personal and intimate level. When that complex combination of variables are all in place, THAT is the equation when I am most Alive. When my heart is the most full. When I believe and feel convicted in my path, my identity, and when my fears cannot strangle the intricate and beautiful cerebral world my heart and mind endlessly rebuild and restructure each day.

Colorfully blunt perspective, but I'm glad I know ME well enough to be able to acknowledge this and have a very strong awareness of my reactionary/defensive/humanistic tendencies.

Something I like about myself:

In all of the unexpected-realities that have unfolded which are different than what I've envisioned and hoped for, whether they be hurtful, angering, outright shocking or awesomely raw and joyful, I continue to love those who love me unconditionally, remind myself of their example, pick up the pieces of myself and patiently rewrite the scripts, reconstruct the dreams, and dare to envision my life and the world I desire once again. My Light is bright.

an afternoon in the summer breeze......

It was such a beautiful afternoon......Sun was a happy companion with it's friends Breeze and Cloud.

And on beautiful days like this, I wonder what my mom is doing. Somewhere. And I need some Sara to bring me out of the gray and back to reality....

Gravity.

Time Lapse

It's been over 2 months since I've last posted.

Mostly because Life happened to me. And I have the luxury to choose how to spend my precious energy. Energy is a commodity, and a component to Health, which Life is dependent upon.

That statement is representation of the past 2+ months; circular thought, redundant loops, and adventures/travels beyond my imagination foreign and domestic, in body and mind. In Action and Thought.

Mistakes, Lessons Learned, and Inclinations Affirmed. And still, a deep well of wonder pooled within my center; hungry, curious, and insatiable. And I've somehow managed to keep it all under control, wrapped up in the self armor I've begun to master.

Because Integrity is Fearless

Put on your armor. Go back into the fire.

Tomorrow is a new day. And today was a new day. And it was Good. Really-Good. Productively-Good. 3-closets-of-clothes-arranged-and-sorted-Good. And I cooked.

AND I won $ 103 today!? So that's nice. Very nice.

Back into the Fire....embracing the heat.

How does it Change so fast??

Refocus. Re-prioritize your energy. I am important. I can't please everyone else if I only have half of me to give... (I can't please everyone else anyways..)

Put your big goals back on paper. And look at them everyday.

I'm not sure how I've become so uncomfortable and uneasy with where I am and what I'm doing, when only a few short weeks ago I couldn't have been more stable and okay with it. Ups and downs. I need a grounding force...or person...or group...or activity (other than work).

If only it were nice out, and I could escape from "this" via the running trails and golf courses..... Sigh.

The Truth About Exhaustion

The truth about exhaustion is that it leave one, zero room for bullshit. zero room for white lies, and cleverly worded masks towards one's true emotions and onset. I am lonely....I would have to say, rationally, that this is not a good thing. Loneliness is not a good thing.

I am so dedicated to my work, to subconciously ignore and supress my loneliness, and in turn, I force myself to focus on my work and future work, rather than myself, my health, my family, my ambitions, and what (at times) my heart and body are literally/physically telling me to be tuned into.....

.....oiy.