How does it Change so fast??

Refocus. Re-prioritize your energy. I am important. I can't please everyone else if I only have half of me to give... (I can't please everyone else anyways..)

Put your big goals back on paper. And look at them everyday.

I'm not sure how I've become so uncomfortable and uneasy with where I am and what I'm doing, when only a few short weeks ago I couldn't have been more stable and okay with it. Ups and downs. I need a grounding force...or person...or group...or activity (other than work).

If only it were nice out, and I could escape from "this" via the running trails and golf courses..... Sigh.

The Truth About Exhaustion

The truth about exhaustion is that it leave one, zero room for bullshit. zero room for white lies, and cleverly worded masks towards one's true emotions and onset. I am lonely....I would have to say, rationally, that this is not a good thing. Loneliness is not a good thing.

I am so dedicated to my work, to subconciously ignore and supress my loneliness, and in turn, I force myself to focus on my work and future work, rather than myself, my health, my family, my ambitions, and what (at times) my heart and body are literally/physically telling me to be tuned into.....

.....oiy.

Not a Good Day....a Red Day.... Defending My Honor.

Today was not a good day.

Events of today make me feel angry. And sad. And a bit helpless. And I'm angry because of my helplessness...

I have no one here (D-rah) to vent to.... at least, no-one I feel comfortable venting THIS stuff to. So blog, you're getting it. This is it: ________________!!!!!!! My character has recently been smeared and illustrated in a completely inaccurate and drastically vulgar manner. Which hurts. And angers me....there are few things more frustrating and anger-some than having your name and reputation run into the ground by a barrage of falsifications; when Truth is hammered and beaten down by rumors and shadowy words. I know that I am a gentle, and caring and loyal man. And creative. And ambitious. And unique. But I don't know how to defend my honor against outright lies....without wanting to effin' scream.

In addition to the recent mess, I'm going through major withdrawl. I've been making some big life decisions and spent lots of time thinking and contemplating, and planning, and wondering, and scenario-scheming....

I miss my A.K. family members...they're all living their lives, and I'm living mine. Which is good. But our distance apart (in mileage and time) is a gloomy reminder that makes me sadder than I already am.


I wonder so many things. I've never been scared to think or question. And imagine. My mind has been working a lot lately....both inside and outside of the Rubaiyat Kitchen. I hope a couple hours of sleep tonight can help me generate a capable defense. Or the energy to endure...

Non-Limbo-Related...question mark

Not entirely sure where this post is coming from, but I'm going to write while it's fresh and then analyze later. (great tip)

Someday, if and when I meet Mrs.Perfect, I want to travel across the world with her for the rest of our lives in an attempt to create a list of romantic places we've experienced (not simply visited). World Travel itself has an inherently powerful effect on relationships. It both affirms and changes preconceived perceptions and beliefs, and I think, in turn makes us honor our own humanity in a truthful and exposed/vulnerable way. And what can be more romantic than a person who's willing to embark on that sort of lifelong commitment-- traveling together and learning more about one another in the process. There's so much to absorb, and not to create wacky postulates but:

If there's so much to absorb, then there's so much to be given/found/received--- (out there, in the world).

Much of the romance in my mind, is created by the fact that I'm beginning to realize/believe that it is likely I won't be an extremely (monetarily) wealthy man; although I could very well be wrong. Cooking is not exactly a "fast track" route to career success and financial gain, but it's what I love doing and I'm not going to run away from it or put it on a back burner in order to undergo new education that would land me larger paychecks earlier in my life. *But there's no doubt in my mind that cooking/restaurant-investing with one's life certainly can lead to that; just look at all of the young celebrity chef's etc. I could be one of those, if I want. It's just a matter of where I prioritize the next few years of my life. Anyways---a lot of the romance that I see in that kind of an endeavor comes from this belief; that romantic world travel is very expensive, and thus takes a lot of planning and commitment of my/Mrs.Perfect's earning/income (AKA a LOT of SAVING...hello retirement funds). I think that's a very attractive individual quality---> the ability to not only be disciplined in one's spending/saving, but visionary as well.

I'm certainly not planning on saving all of this romantic travel for the later parts of our lives (retirement). Vacations. Get-aways. Spontaneity. Think of all the pictures and postcards. Videos and souvenirs. All of those material things ironically make up something that is intangible; memories. There will be unforgettable smells and sights. And the weather. There's so much diversity and "well-roundedness" if that even makes sense. And even the parts that may be regrettable or unplanned and perhaps downright unfortunate...those all create memories, that hopefully serve purpose to remind Mrs.Perfect and I that our commitment to travel and explore is really just a commitment to our love for one another...and all the stuff along the way is simply reward...or leisure...or however you want to frame it. I see sailboats. And rainforests. And Villas. And lots of beaches and sunsets. And gray skies (which I find are gorgeous in an abstract way). Think Scottland. And golf courses. And resorts. Spa's. Plush robes. Sun-soaked...And Candles. Operas. Gondolas. Oceans. Decades of dinner-for-two-toasts...Many moons and stars from hundreds of different locations...boarding passes and passports. Mountains. Glass. Tinkling. Silverware. Steam. Many travel logs, journal entries, and cafe's. Dresses and ties...a morning newspapers in linens and loafers.

And to tear this whole post down with a floppy and incoherent closing, because I'm running out of organized thought on the matter, who wouldn't want to fly/boat/snorkle, trek, bike, across the vast secluded and hidden gems of the globe with me, drinking wine and indulging in new tastes and sounds and sights... it's a bit selfish, yes, because I have a hunger for new food, wine, and restaurant culture experiences. But when you really think about it, there's so much romance wrapped up in the simple act of eating, traveling, and exploring the unknown---that all of this absurd post makes perfect sense to me. And wine is romantic. non-negotiable. :o)

2011. Maybe not a romantic year per say. Maybe I'm not fully investing in romance yet. But I'm very good at planning when I want to be. And I don't want to be poor and lonely forever. (that was perhaps slightly misleading and minimally depressing in sound). Limbo. non limbo. the puzzle can be construed later on. I think I've said what I've needed to say for now.

Limbo

Every year, the agonizing 5-6 days between Christmas and the New Year create a gigantic black hole....and I find myself in a state of Limbo. Maybe it's all of the over-eating and lounging/lack of motivation from the first 3 weeks of December...or the abundance of wine and spirits...the bills and expenses of Christmas spending becoming a reality....or perhaps a combination of it all.

At any rate. That mess which I described, well it's here. I'm stuffed and have enjoyed the past few days of leisure and gluttony in both mind and body. Lots of netflix. I never created a "wish list" for Christmas this year, but am pleased with the gifts I was given. This year all I wanted was some peace and quiet, a nice church service, and some good food. Consider it a Home run on all criteria.

I've been looking back on 2010. Evaluating and processing a year takes a lot out of me; well duh, a lot of experiences to run through the mill. 2011 New Year's Resolutions are in formulation, and a bridging 2010 wrap-up post is on the way.

Red

Upon re-read, that was cheesy.

Maybe I'm already in the "Cheesy shmultzy Holiday Spirit." meh.

More snow. More snow. More snow....how do I make it stop???

red eye

My sleepless nights continue......and my bizarre dreams are too. Some are now re-occurring. I can't get my mind to shut off.....it is running on overdrive. I think that sooner or later it's going to "explode" / "break down"----> hoping IF that's the case, it is in a manageable time and location...


too much on my mind. decompression needed....