Today was not a good day.
Events of today make me feel angry. And sad. And a bit helpless. And I'm angry because of my helplessness...
I have no one here (D-rah) to vent to.... at least, no-one I feel comfortable venting THIS stuff to. So blog, you're getting it. This is it: ________________!!!!!!! My character has recently been smeared and illustrated in a completely inaccurate and drastically vulgar manner. Which hurts. And angers me....there are few things more frustrating and anger-some than having your name and reputation run into the ground by a barrage of falsifications; when Truth is hammered and beaten down by rumors and shadowy words. I know that I am a gentle, and caring and loyal man. And creative. And ambitious. And unique. But I don't know how to defend my honor against outright lies....without wanting to effin' scream.
In addition to the recent mess, I'm going through major withdrawl. I've been making some big life decisions and spent lots of time thinking and contemplating, and planning, and wondering, and scenario-scheming....
I miss my A.K. family members...they're all living their lives, and I'm living mine. Which is good. But our distance apart (in mileage and time) is a gloomy reminder that makes me sadder than I already am.
I wonder so many things. I've never been scared to think or question. And imagine. My mind has been working a lot lately....both inside and outside of the Rubaiyat Kitchen. I hope a couple hours of sleep tonight can help me generate a capable defense. Or the energy to endure...
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Non-Limbo-Related...question mark
Not entirely sure where this post is coming from, but I'm going to write while it's fresh and then analyze later. (great tip)
Someday, if and when I meet Mrs.Perfect, I want to travel across the world with her for the rest of our lives in an attempt to create a list of romantic places we've experienced (not simply visited). World Travel itself has an inherently powerful effect on relationships. It both affirms and changes preconceived perceptions and beliefs, and I think, in turn makes us honor our own humanity in a truthful and exposed/vulnerable way. And what can be more romantic than a person who's willing to embark on that sort of lifelong commitment-- traveling together and learning more about one another in the process. There's so much to absorb, and not to create wacky postulates but:
If there's so much to absorb, then there's so much to be given/found/received--- (out there, in the world).
Much of the romance in my mind, is created by the fact that I'm beginning to realize/believe that it is likely I won't be an extremely (monetarily) wealthy man; although I could very well be wrong. Cooking is not exactly a "fast track" route to career success and financial gain, but it's what I love doing and I'm not going to run away from it or put it on a back burner in order to undergo new education that would land me larger paychecks earlier in my life. *But there's no doubt in my mind that cooking/restaurant-investing with one's life certainly can lead to that; just look at all of the young celebrity chef's etc. I could be one of those, if I want. It's just a matter of where I prioritize the next few years of my life. Anyways---a lot of the romance that I see in that kind of an endeavor comes from this belief; that romantic world travel is very expensive, and thus takes a lot of planning and commitment of my/Mrs.Perfect's earning/income (AKA a LOT of SAVING...hello retirement funds). I think that's a very attractive individual quality---> the ability to not only be disciplined in one's spending/saving, but visionary as well.
I'm certainly not planning on saving all of this romantic travel for the later parts of our lives (retirement). Vacations. Get-aways. Spontaneity. Think of all the pictures and postcards. Videos and souvenirs. All of those material things ironically make up something that is intangible; memories. There will be unforgettable smells and sights. And the weather. There's so much diversity and "well-roundedness" if that even makes sense. And even the parts that may be regrettable or unplanned and perhaps downright unfortunate...those all create memories, that hopefully serve purpose to remind Mrs.Perfect and I that our commitment to travel and explore is really just a commitment to our love for one another...and all the stuff along the way is simply reward...or leisure...or however you want to frame it. I see sailboats. And rainforests. And Villas. And lots of beaches and sunsets. And gray skies (which I find are gorgeous in an abstract way). Think Scottland. And golf courses. And resorts. Spa's. Plush robes. Sun-soaked...And Candles. Operas. Gondolas. Oceans. Decades of dinner-for-two-toasts...Many moons and stars from hundreds of different locations...boarding passes and passports. Mountains. Glass. Tinkling. Silverware. Steam. Many travel logs, journal entries, and cafe's. Dresses and ties...a morning newspapers in linens and loafers.
And to tear this whole post down with a floppy and incoherent closing, because I'm running out of organized thought on the matter, who wouldn't want to fly/boat/snorkle, trek, bike, across the vast secluded and hidden gems of the globe with me, drinking wine and indulging in new tastes and sounds and sights... it's a bit selfish, yes, because I have a hunger for new food, wine, and restaurant culture experiences. But when you really think about it, there's so much romance wrapped up in the simple act of eating, traveling, and exploring the unknown---that all of this absurd post makes perfect sense to me. And wine is romantic. non-negotiable. :o)
2011. Maybe not a romantic year per say. Maybe I'm not fully investing in romance yet. But I'm very good at planning when I want to be. And I don't want to be poor and lonely forever. (that was perhaps slightly misleading and minimally depressing in sound). Limbo. non limbo. the puzzle can be construed later on. I think I've said what I've needed to say for now.
Someday, if and when I meet Mrs.Perfect, I want to travel across the world with her for the rest of our lives in an attempt to create a list of romantic places we've experienced (not simply visited). World Travel itself has an inherently powerful effect on relationships. It both affirms and changes preconceived perceptions and beliefs, and I think, in turn makes us honor our own humanity in a truthful and exposed/vulnerable way. And what can be more romantic than a person who's willing to embark on that sort of lifelong commitment-- traveling together and learning more about one another in the process. There's so much to absorb, and not to create wacky postulates but:
If there's so much to absorb, then there's so much to be given/found/received--- (out there, in the world).
Much of the romance in my mind, is created by the fact that I'm beginning to realize/believe that it is likely I won't be an extremely (monetarily) wealthy man; although I could very well be wrong. Cooking is not exactly a "fast track" route to career success and financial gain, but it's what I love doing and I'm not going to run away from it or put it on a back burner in order to undergo new education that would land me larger paychecks earlier in my life. *But there's no doubt in my mind that cooking/restaurant-investing with one's life certainly can lead to that; just look at all of the young celebrity chef's etc. I could be one of those, if I want. It's just a matter of where I prioritize the next few years of my life. Anyways---a lot of the romance that I see in that kind of an endeavor comes from this belief; that romantic world travel is very expensive, and thus takes a lot of planning and commitment of my/Mrs.Perfect's earning/income (AKA a LOT of SAVING...hello retirement funds). I think that's a very attractive individual quality---> the ability to not only be disciplined in one's spending/saving, but visionary as well.
I'm certainly not planning on saving all of this romantic travel for the later parts of our lives (retirement). Vacations. Get-aways. Spontaneity. Think of all the pictures and postcards. Videos and souvenirs. All of those material things ironically make up something that is intangible; memories. There will be unforgettable smells and sights. And the weather. There's so much diversity and "well-roundedness" if that even makes sense. And even the parts that may be regrettable or unplanned and perhaps downright unfortunate...those all create memories, that hopefully serve purpose to remind Mrs.Perfect and I that our commitment to travel and explore is really just a commitment to our love for one another...and all the stuff along the way is simply reward...or leisure...or however you want to frame it. I see sailboats. And rainforests. And Villas. And lots of beaches and sunsets. And gray skies (which I find are gorgeous in an abstract way). Think Scottland. And golf courses. And resorts. Spa's. Plush robes. Sun-soaked...And Candles. Operas. Gondolas. Oceans. Decades of dinner-for-two-toasts...Many moons and stars from hundreds of different locations...boarding passes and passports. Mountains. Glass. Tinkling. Silverware. Steam. Many travel logs, journal entries, and cafe's. Dresses and ties...a morning newspapers in linens and loafers.
And to tear this whole post down with a floppy and incoherent closing, because I'm running out of organized thought on the matter, who wouldn't want to fly/boat/snorkle, trek, bike, across the vast secluded and hidden gems of the globe with me, drinking wine and indulging in new tastes and sounds and sights... it's a bit selfish, yes, because I have a hunger for new food, wine, and restaurant culture experiences. But when you really think about it, there's so much romance wrapped up in the simple act of eating, traveling, and exploring the unknown---that all of this absurd post makes perfect sense to me. And wine is romantic. non-negotiable. :o)
2011. Maybe not a romantic year per say. Maybe I'm not fully investing in romance yet. But I'm very good at planning when I want to be. And I don't want to be poor and lonely forever. (that was perhaps slightly misleading and minimally depressing in sound). Limbo. non limbo. the puzzle can be construed later on. I think I've said what I've needed to say for now.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Limbo
Every year, the agonizing 5-6 days between Christmas and the New Year create a gigantic black hole....and I find myself in a state of Limbo. Maybe it's all of the over-eating and lounging/lack of motivation from the first 3 weeks of December...or the abundance of wine and spirits...the bills and expenses of Christmas spending becoming a reality....or perhaps a combination of it all.
At any rate. That mess which I described, well it's here. I'm stuffed and have enjoyed the past few days of leisure and gluttony in both mind and body. Lots of netflix. I never created a "wish list" for Christmas this year, but am pleased with the gifts I was given. This year all I wanted was some peace and quiet, a nice church service, and some good food. Consider it a Home run on all criteria.
I've been looking back on 2010. Evaluating and processing a year takes a lot out of me; well duh, a lot of experiences to run through the mill. 2011 New Year's Resolutions are in formulation, and a bridging 2010 wrap-up post is on the way.
At any rate. That mess which I described, well it's here. I'm stuffed and have enjoyed the past few days of leisure and gluttony in both mind and body. Lots of netflix. I never created a "wish list" for Christmas this year, but am pleased with the gifts I was given. This year all I wanted was some peace and quiet, a nice church service, and some good food. Consider it a Home run on all criteria.
I've been looking back on 2010. Evaluating and processing a year takes a lot out of me; well duh, a lot of experiences to run through the mill. 2011 New Year's Resolutions are in formulation, and a bridging 2010 wrap-up post is on the way.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Red
Upon re-read, that was cheesy.
Maybe I'm already in the "Cheesy shmultzy Holiday Spirit." meh.
More snow. More snow. More snow....how do I make it stop???
Maybe I'm already in the "Cheesy shmultzy Holiday Spirit." meh.
More snow. More snow. More snow....how do I make it stop???
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
red eye
My sleepless nights continue......and my bizarre dreams are too. Some are now re-occurring. I can't get my mind to shut off.....it is running on overdrive. I think that sooner or later it's going to "explode" / "break down"----> hoping IF that's the case, it is in a manageable time and location...
too much on my mind. decompression needed....
too much on my mind. decompression needed....
Monday, November 1, 2010
Halloween
Freakin' dislike button.
So glad it's done.... there are so many reasons for NOT liking the Halloween Holiday.
Sounding bitter? Only a hint eh?
So glad it's done.... there are so many reasons for NOT liking the Halloween Holiday.
Sounding bitter? Only a hint eh?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Harnessing My Adventurous Curiosity....A Make-Over!?!?!
I'm not really happy with my body. For a variety of reasons. This sounds like a red-flag post, I know, but I guess in my mind it's a bit more 'matter of fact' rather than lamenting and melancholy. 2 years is an embarrassing amount of time to admit that I have lost interest and commitment to maintaining physical fitness and prioritizing my physical health.
I've been thinking for a fair amount of time now about "testing" some changes. I can acknowledge that there's a part of me that is bored. And frustrated. In the past few years, I have become more and more mentally cognizant of my physical/outward appearance and the social responses I observe/feel when I'm out in public (whether it's work or leisure related). I've been considering a make-over. A physical, visual make-over. An exploratory image adjustment.
I want a new look. Something different. Something edgy. Maybe even punk-rock-ish.... not necessarily "emo" or "Hipster..." (i can't stand that categorizing descriptor....I don't think it makes any sense at ALL). I'm thinking about getting my ears pierced. And maybe a tatoo... and possibly coloring my hair......or streaking it. I've been thinking purple or reddish brown.....or maybe even a bright freakin' neon-bluish. I'm no expert in hair dying, but I know enough about the process to understand that it would be hard to say what any of that will look like with my black hair. Speaking of hair. I need a hair cut--or Do I? I'm tired of the same old cut. And the same minimal ways to "style" my hair...or things to do with it. Maybe I should just keep growing it out and give myself more options. But my hair is coarse and straight....and. sigh.
Maybe I'll get my eyebrow pierced. I can't and won't get my lip or tongue or nose pierced or anything crazy weird.... but I'm half intrigued by a spike in my ear, or some studs.
I've always been clean cut, polite, intelligent and "well dressed." And I feel like that's the only way people "can" see me now. They've seen me this way so long, that they can't envision me any other way. They think button down's and polo's and doc martens and nice jeans and khakis.....or even beyond that with sweater vests and ties, cardigans and my insanely large jacket/coat obsession.
I want the "young" me. The kid who got dirty and scraped his knees and wore ripped jeans with gashes in the knees, cotton tee shirts and flannel (dear god I just said that). I just want something a bit more down to earth. How do I say this?! Something not so "high brow" and "preppy" and "upper middle class monetarily priced."
I think this image I've been constructing of myself is having a negative effect on my relationship status. I'm not so sure it's as attractive as I've come to think it is. All the hair fuss and nice clothes. The shoes. The coats. The two dozen bold dress shirts and 30 some ties I have hanging in my closets...( I have clothes in 4 different closets....gross). It's all overkill--- It kinda all feels like a "mask." Like a fake me.... oh boy. Maybe women won't find me any more attractive with pierced ears, colored hair, and a noticably toned physique. But at bare minimum, it'll draw some attention ....
for better or for worse?.... hmm........
*SIDE NOTE* I'm perfectly okay being single, because this no strings attached life-style can be fun and carefree....but let's be real. Deep down I'm affectionate, sensitive, and emotional. Err...I have a soul. I guess maybe I need to also re-evaluate how I'm marketing myself on the Relationship Block.
maybe another post. this has been more than enough honesty for one night.
I've been thinking for a fair amount of time now about "testing" some changes. I can acknowledge that there's a part of me that is bored. And frustrated. In the past few years, I have become more and more mentally cognizant of my physical/outward appearance and the social responses I observe/feel when I'm out in public (whether it's work or leisure related). I've been considering a make-over. A physical, visual make-over. An exploratory image adjustment.
I want a new look. Something different. Something edgy. Maybe even punk-rock-ish.... not necessarily "emo" or "Hipster..." (i can't stand that categorizing descriptor....I don't think it makes any sense at ALL). I'm thinking about getting my ears pierced. And maybe a tatoo... and possibly coloring my hair......or streaking it. I've been thinking purple or reddish brown.....or maybe even a bright freakin' neon-bluish. I'm no expert in hair dying, but I know enough about the process to understand that it would be hard to say what any of that will look like with my black hair. Speaking of hair. I need a hair cut--or Do I? I'm tired of the same old cut. And the same minimal ways to "style" my hair...or things to do with it. Maybe I should just keep growing it out and give myself more options. But my hair is coarse and straight....and. sigh.
Maybe I'll get my eyebrow pierced. I can't and won't get my lip or tongue or nose pierced or anything crazy weird.... but I'm half intrigued by a spike in my ear, or some studs.
I've always been clean cut, polite, intelligent and "well dressed." And I feel like that's the only way people "can" see me now. They've seen me this way so long, that they can't envision me any other way. They think button down's and polo's and doc martens and nice jeans and khakis.....or even beyond that with sweater vests and ties, cardigans and my insanely large jacket/coat obsession.
I want the "young" me. The kid who got dirty and scraped his knees and wore ripped jeans with gashes in the knees, cotton tee shirts and flannel (dear god I just said that). I just want something a bit more down to earth. How do I say this?! Something not so "high brow" and "preppy" and "upper middle class monetarily priced."
I think this image I've been constructing of myself is having a negative effect on my relationship status. I'm not so sure it's as attractive as I've come to think it is. All the hair fuss and nice clothes. The shoes. The coats. The two dozen bold dress shirts and 30 some ties I have hanging in my closets...( I have clothes in 4 different closets....gross). It's all overkill--- It kinda all feels like a "mask." Like a fake me.... oh boy. Maybe women won't find me any more attractive with pierced ears, colored hair, and a noticably toned physique. But at bare minimum, it'll draw some attention ....
for better or for worse?.... hmm........
*SIDE NOTE* I'm perfectly okay being single, because this no strings attached life-style can be fun and carefree....but let's be real. Deep down I'm affectionate, sensitive, and emotional. Err...I have a soul. I guess maybe I need to also re-evaluate how I'm marketing myself on the Relationship Block.
maybe another post. this has been more than enough honesty for one night.
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