red eye

My sleepless nights continue......and my bizarre dreams are too. Some are now re-occurring. I can't get my mind to shut off.....it is running on overdrive. I think that sooner or later it's going to "explode" / "break down"----> hoping IF that's the case, it is in a manageable time and location...


too much on my mind. decompression needed....

Halloween

Freakin' dislike button.

So glad it's done.... there are so many reasons for NOT liking the Halloween Holiday.

Sounding bitter? Only a hint eh?

Harnessing My Adventurous Curiosity....A Make-Over!?!?!

I'm not really happy with my body. For a variety of reasons. This sounds like a red-flag post, I know, but I guess in my mind it's a bit more 'matter of fact' rather than lamenting and melancholy. 2 years is an embarrassing amount of time to admit that I have lost interest and commitment to maintaining physical fitness and prioritizing my physical health.

I've been thinking for a fair amount of time now about "testing" some changes. I can acknowledge that there's a part of me that is bored. And frustrated. In the past few years, I have become more and more mentally cognizant of my physical/outward appearance and the social responses I observe/feel when I'm out in public (whether it's work or leisure related). I've been considering a make-over. A physical, visual make-over. An exploratory image adjustment.

I want a new look. Something different. Something edgy. Maybe even punk-rock-ish.... not necessarily "emo" or "Hipster..." (i can't stand that categorizing descriptor....I don't think it makes any sense at ALL). I'm thinking about getting my ears pierced. And maybe a tatoo... and possibly coloring my hair......or streaking it. I've been thinking purple or reddish brown.....or maybe even a bright freakin' neon-bluish. I'm no expert in hair dying, but I know enough about the process to understand that it would be hard to say what any of that will look like with my black hair. Speaking of hair. I need a hair cut--or Do I? I'm tired of the same old cut. And the same minimal ways to "style" my hair...or things to do with it. Maybe I should just keep growing it out and give myself more options. But my hair is coarse and straight....and. sigh.

Maybe I'll get my eyebrow pierced. I can't and won't get my lip or tongue or nose pierced or anything crazy weird.... but I'm half intrigued by a spike in my ear, or some studs.

I've always been clean cut, polite, intelligent and "well dressed." And I feel like that's the only way people "can" see me now. They've seen me this way so long, that they can't envision me any other way. They think button down's and polo's and doc martens and nice jeans and khakis.....or even beyond that with sweater vests and ties, cardigans and my insanely large jacket/coat obsession.

I want the "young" me. The kid who got dirty and scraped his knees and wore ripped jeans with gashes in the knees, cotton tee shirts and flannel (dear god I just said that). I just want something a bit more down to earth. How do I say this?! Something not so "high brow" and "preppy" and "upper middle class monetarily priced."

I think this image I've been constructing of myself is having a negative effect on my relationship status. I'm not so sure it's as attractive as I've come to think it is. All the hair fuss and nice clothes. The shoes. The coats. The two dozen bold dress shirts and 30 some ties I have hanging in my closets...( I have clothes in 4 different closets....gross). It's all overkill--- It kinda all feels like a "mask." Like a fake me.... oh boy. Maybe women won't find me any more attractive with pierced ears, colored hair, and a noticably toned physique. But at bare minimum, it'll draw some attention ....
for better or for worse?.... hmm........

*SIDE NOTE* I'm perfectly okay being single, because this no strings attached life-style can be fun and carefree....but let's be real. Deep down I'm affectionate, sensitive, and emotional. Err...I have a soul. I guess maybe I need to also re-evaluate how I'm marketing myself on the Relationship Block.

maybe another post. this has been more than enough honesty for one night.

Recharged

I golfed 27 holes yesterday in gorgeous weather, with zero agendas/appointments/"Things-to-be-done."

It was fantastic.

The sky and stars are so clear and bright tonight...

This was a very hard and long week. Of a new fall menu with record numbers of diners, physical fatigue..............exhaustion from work. Of mental and emotional fatigue from "other"

.... my mind and emotions won't let me sleep. My mind is too persistent, and my standards unyielding....

Tonight I feel very sad. And alone and far away. I guess crying is okay..

Keri Noble live @ the Guthrie

I went to Keri Noble's debut concert of her newest album release @ the Guthrie. I haven't seen a lot of live performances; I'm not a concert junkie/ticket-obsessed show goer, but I've seen enough to say that she is a PERFORMER. Dang. Wicked vocals, singer-song-writer. Totally meant to be doing what she's doing with her life. It's that obvious once you hear and experience her music making live....

I hope people feel that way about the food I cook. Unlike performer/audience member, there's usually no visual/physical connection in the restaurant business, between the customer and the hands that sliced, diced and toiled over your food.... but I hope my food moves people the way her performances have moved me. I don't know why I like her...well I do. I'm just too hyper to explain it on here. For starters.... she's talented beyond description.

growth

I'm turning into a great chef... I probably don't tell myself this enough (for fear that I start buying into the mentality and becoming complacent in my work ethic).

But I am. Quiet pride is good at this point I think. I can do a lot. I know a lot. A lot more than I think I'm even aware of. And the best part is that I have this ridiculous "appetite" for learning and experiencing more.... half of that is just who I am; ....wow. If that's not a blaring vocational/identity statement.