haze...

I had a shit of a work day today...... it did not end well. Actually a shit of a week in general.... my life is very weird and challenging right now. I feel unprepared and unsure of what I'm doing. Sometimes daily. I can't quiet my mind and my thoughts...and consequently my seIlf prognosis-acute-insomnia has been keeping my eyes red and my body fatigued due to only a couple hours of sleep a night.

So after a shit week and a shit day of work....I resorted to my old coping mechanism...I went running in the rain.....for 2 hours...

It might not sound healthy....but it felt good.

And tonight---I watched Forrest Gump, one of my all time favorite movies ever. I find such a connection with it's story lines...It reminded me of why Love is something worth looking for. Because watching Tom Hanks cry--talking to his wife's grave--after recently finding he was a father, ties the mystery and the internal pain of my own life to something tangible.

Knowing that I'm not the only person who has ever stood in front of a headstone, listened to the birds and the wind in the trees...talking to the blades of grass at my feet. Asking big questions knowing the only response I'll get is the wind...

Story and parallels aside, it's a wonderfully made movie from a critical standpoint. And my night is just a little better now....

Monday by the Lake

I spent all afternoon yesterday around Lake Calhoun, basking in the sun, watching all the runners, bikers, and TC residents who were thinking just like I was: SEIZE IT

I read a book all afternoon. IT was the MOST GLORIOUS DAY. Caps lock = totally appropriate.

Haven't felt that depth of happiness in a long time.

I'm going to make some changes in the future...they could be hairy/scary. [exhale].

Breaking Away

I need to get away for awhile....and re-center.

How will we live?

http://english.aljazeera.net/news/middleeast/2010/05/201051081849739152.html

What if it was our country...what would we call a system that forces 65 percent of one ethnic/racial group into poverty? What would we call a system that forces 75 percent of this ethnic/racial group's children into poverty, along with 45% of its own children in poverty? What would we call this system that discriminates based on an ethnic/racial group in "planning and construction, exploitation of land, and minimal investment in physical infrastructure and government and municipal services?" What do we call a system that strips a people of its land (based on race/ethnicity), builds homes for the people in power, and then issues few permits for housing construction of this subordinate population since the occupation started?

Does this resemble segregation in the US? Does this resemble Apartheid in South Africa? Does this remind the United States of our dark past of colonization (manifest destiny) and stripping indigenous peoples and Mexicans of the lands where they resided on the continent of North America? Does this remind us of our current policies of immigration enforcement during the 2000s? Does this resemble gentrification in US metropolitan centers? Does this resemble suburban Europe with its policies of isolation and exclusion for North Africans and other immigrants? Have we fallen so far from grace that we cannot see the systems within our own borders?

Are we able to make this world better, not just for the few, but for all? Are we able put our personal ambitions and self-justifications away for the sake of the common good? Are we able to be a compassionate people struggling for liberation and reconciliation, instead of domination and isolation? Are we able to live with love, grace, and service, instead of hate, apathy, and selfishness? Are we able to co-exist together, instead of destroying and bringing each other down? Can we see each other, not as competitors, strangers, or enemies, but as neighbors, brothers and sisters....as one race, one Human race? How will we live?

Found it in the kitchen

I need to cook everyday. I find such pleasure and satisfaction in it. In the complete process. Of searching for products, organizing, preparing and then balancing all with heat/cold and gastro-chem.

I do this. I will have reason to be happy. Every day.

1 + 1 = duh.

Springy Me

A few weeks ago I ordered myself a couple new pairs of running shoes. (One for indoor and one for outdoor purposes, DUH). Anyways-- I've been logging quite a few miles and I feel good. mentally and physically. Makes sense.

Yesterday I went for a 12 mile run which ended up only being 7 and a half because I was tugged into an Ultimate Frisbee scrimmage against a La Crosse, WI team that was visiting. The grass was green, the sun was out in full force and the sky was a striking blue. Beautiful Saturday afternoon, the day after a fresh rain. I figured, "Why not." Post scrimmage I left the fields with a few semi-sore muscles (which are now sorer than they were yesterday) a dirt and grass stained shirt and some awesome battle scars and scrapes --one of which is about the size of a wiffle ball hanging out high on the side of my right thigh.

I was the oldest out on the fields...but I definitely outplayed everyone there. (which feels nice in a small way).

I'm training for a possible marathon, and I'm going to start the world famous P90X training and fitness program in about 2-3 weeks, which will last me through the summer. I'm pretty excited for that. It'll be a nice distraction I think.

I hope Easter is as good to you all as it is to me. :o) Keep blazing trails and forging new paths.

Revived.

long time, no post. Sorry.

It's been boiling within , and now it's gotta come out.

I love Gordon Ramsey. He's so fucking passionate about food and service, that it sickens me.

His personality is brutally pointed. Direct. Critical. Yet extremely well-versed, educated, and brilliantly observant.

Kitchen Nightmares. Hell's Kitchen. watch 'em.

"shit mate..." i'm so hooked on that depth of passion.